Pals Forever
Last night I wasn't able to sleep until 1:30 am and I still had trouble sleeping. I ended up waking at some ungodly hour and wasn't able to go to sleep. Figuring that I was up, I decided to tool around Facebook on my iPad. I just happened to go onto an old childhood friend's Facebook page and I see something that took me by surprise. A post from one of her friends stating that my friend, my Pal has been diagnosed with breast cancer.
It hits home.
Last year, one of my AIDS/LifeCycle friends was diagnosed with breast cancer. I remember it clearly. We were in the car on Day On The Ride in Marin and we were both volunteering for the event. I asked Diana how she was, commenting that I haven't seen her on our East Bay rides lately. She told me point blank, "I have breast cancer." I've only known Diana for several years now.
I sit here, in a cauldron of feelings. I wonder if I should find some opportune moment to go out to Iowa to be with Pal. She has young kids, three young boys and a loving husband. She really wanted to come to my wedding last year but couldn't. Part of me is comforted that she has a really good support network. Part of me feels like I am this outsider, some big city gal from the West Coast, wondering if I should intrude. I did leave Pal a private message on her page, letting her know that I am there for her.
All I can do right now is listen to The Cure and remember childhood memories of Pal. Pal and I met in kindergarden in Mrs. Gordoa's class at Cram School in East Highland, California. I remembered her pool parties in June when she had her birthday year after year. I remembered her coming over to my house for my birthdays and seeing this interesting integration between my non-Filipino friends and the children from Ma and Pop's friends in later birthday parties in McDonalds and Chuck E. Cheese. I remembered how we both wanted to be in the high school marching band in second grade after finding out they were going to Japan to compete. There are so many memories associated with Pal. Mostly elementary school since junior high for me was spent in Catholic school while Pal went to the local junior high then moved to Redlands and went to another junior high and wasn't around when I was able to attend 9th grade at the local junior high. We both made it to the high school marching band but never really hung out but knew that we were there for one another. I was focused on going to college and getting the bat out of the Inland Empire while Pal stayed around after college trying to get into nursing school. She finally did, but in Iowa. She had family out there so it wasn't a daunting trip for her. There she met her husband and liked the life out there. We managed to keep in touch. She even invited me to her wedding but I couldn't go due to finances.
I know I talk about Pal as if I lost her already. I struggle. Should I come back or stay my distance and keep my pristine memories of her and I intact? I see what Diana has gone through with breast cancer and chemo. How do I enter? How do I come back? What should I say? What next? What do I do? What can I do?
A big ass soupful of questions I drown in.
Summarizing the Year
Well, in a few days, 2011 will be over. My, what an eventful year this has been.
For starters, Rich and I got married! It will be eight months since we have been married. It seems like only yesterday, I was starting my job at Waters Kraus & Paul and getting the final details of the wedding together. I wouldn't trade married life for anything in the world right now.
I have to check to verify this but I ended up gaining weight this year. I managed to fit in my wedding dress (and Ma said I wouldn't!) which was what really mattered this year. I have been hovering around the same two to three pounds in what seems like forever. Just yesterday, the scale moved in the direction I wanted to go: down. It was only 0.2 lbs. A small victory I will take and savor. This has been my catalyst to get back on plan to lose the last 25 lbs that I need to get to goal!
I have to say that I survived nine weeks of boot camp. It was hard in the beginning but I stuck to it, only missing one session with Coach Katie. I had fun and I learned some exercises that I can incorporate when I go to the gym.
Here are my resolutions for the year:
1) Track what I eat on weekends. This is the part where I don't account for in my food journal. I figured that once I do track what I eat on Saturday and Sunday, I will be able to try to normalize my eating patterns. I do a good job here in the office. I want to carry that momentum to my weekends.
2) Run. I slowly want to get back to running again. I really want to do a 5k with Rich in the coming year. I have been going to physical therapy with Curtis for over a year now. My posture has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.
3) Push ups. Last month, I started doing the iPhone application of 100 push ups where in six weeks, you can end up doing 100 good form push ups. I stopped doing it after Thanksgiving. I am going to pick this up again in the new year.
4) Taking time for myself. I don't mean just doing the things that I do for myself now- going to the gym, going to centering prayer, etc. I want to do things in addition to those times I have for myself. Like for example, taking time to journal, taking the occasional bath and mud mask.
I'll leave this list for now. I wish you and yours a very happy and prosperous 2012!
Music Box
This Christmas, I want an iPod Classic. I just want to have my vast music library available to me whenever I want and the Classic seems to fit the bill. I have a Nano but it only holds a small amount of songs.
Next to books, I love music. I guess it comes from me growing up with piano lessons that later evolved to playing clarinet and alto saxophone. I have a lot of CDs of different genres of music. You name it, I have it. Well, some things I don't have.
With the advent of iTunes and MP3 downloads, I am able to put my library into a small compact space. I hardly buy CDs and I have discovered some new genres. Since my collection has grown so big, I had to have all my music in an external hard drive. I have yet to sit down and edit my music selections. Once upon a time, I would check out a lot of CDs from the library and upload them to my iTunes.
The power of music evokes strong memories. Usually a song I would hear would take me back to some point in my life. I wonder whether to buy these songs to relive these memories. Most are good, some are painful. I figured that the painful stuff is buried for a reason. Sometimes we do have to process those memories to get through life.
One of these days, I'll have to organize my music and set up playlists. Well that will all come in time.
Should the lost be found?
Three things triggered me to write about this topic. The first being was replacing all the items that were in my purse which was stolen a few weeks ago out of Rich's car. Second was wondering whether to invite people I used to be friends with but drifted apart to be part of my circle of Facebook friends. The third thing being should I download songs that I listened to while growing up onto my iTunes library.
I am happy to say that I got back some of the items I lost. The rest I had to replace: wallet, cell phone, iPad, various credit cards, my debit card, my driver's license. I just wished I wrote down the numbers that I would frequently call. I'm so used to just looking up on my smartphone the name of the person I wanted to talk to and just selecting that person without having to dial the actual number. I know that will be a process once I get my new iPhone.
I've been pondering whether to reconnect with people I was once friends with then drifted apart. One person that comes to mind is my friend Andrea. We met while both of us were living in Washington, D.C. 15 years ago. We were both away from our families located in Southern Cali and both of us were involved in politics. Well, Andrea wanted to break into the political world which I was a part of as a congressional staffer. Sadly, Andrea never got s chance to do so. She ended up working for Oracle. We always had fun together and had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen which reminded us of home. I was the first to leave Washington, D.C. in 1998 to go back to California. Andrea soon followed when she managed to land a position at Oracle's headquarters on the peninsula. I was already in the Bay Area when Andrea arrived. We managed to get together and have fun even though the get togethers were far and few between. I met her boyfriend who later became her husband, Albern. I remembered how happy they were together. We promised that we were going to be in each other's weddings and be godmothers to our children. We just drifted apart once Andrea was spending a lot of time with Albern. I never did get an invitation to her wedding. She ended up moving to Southern Cali with Albern and started s family. I know she is on Facebook but do I want to extend an invitation to be friends with her after so many years?
I was tooling around iTunes when I found a song that reminded me of one of my ex boyfriends. I thought for a moment whether to buy it or not. I chose not to since I didn't want to be reminded of him. I wonder about that with other songs. Songs that I grew up with and wondering whether to incorporate them in my life now. I still debate whether to revisit The Cure, The Smiths, Def Leppard, Depeche Mode, and other alternative and hard rock bands I listened to in my teenage years. Do I want to revisit the angst that I had back then?
Maybe some thing that are lost are better off lost. I have yet to sort whether or not to reconnect with Andrea or to buy memories of my youth on iTunes. I'll get back to you on that.
The Last Seven Weeks
A lot has happened since my last post. I finally decided that Bikram Yoga was not for me and quit going to the Funky Door Yoga in the beginning of August. I've been trying to find something to substitute and I've been going to the gym and doing my best to get up early and do the elliptical machine for 20 minutes, three times a week. I've also taken a Zumba class which is a challenge since I'm really not that coordinated. I've had some bike rides sprinkled here and there and in a month from now, AIDS/ LifeCycle 11 training season will have begun.
In terms of weight loss, I've been really diligent in tracking what I have been consuming. Even if I don't know the points values or better yet not want to know the points values, I write it down. So far, I've lost 2 of the 4 lbs I have set myself for my goal this month.
I am participating in a Weight Watchers challenge that I saw on the message boards. Each week, there is a weekly challenge and a weekend challenge. Usually the weekend challenge includes getting in activity points. It's easy for me to rack them up since I'm pretty active. It's just hard to find things to do. I signed up for boot camp which will happen next month for eight weeks. Let's see what happens with that.
I had a good talk with my friend Liza recently. It seems like when I talk to her, all the things that I have been thinking but too scared to vocalize come out. I not only give Liza insight but I give myself some insight and sometimes clarity on certain situations.
So overall, I have to say things are good in the hood.
It's Getting Hot In Here
At the beginning of this month, I decided to redeem my coupon for two months of classes at Funky Door Yoga on Polk Street, about a 15 minute walk from work. I needed something to do and I didn't want to get back onto my bike. I usually take a vacation from the bike until the fall. So I decided to give yoga a shot.
It has been seven years since I stepped into a yoga studio and had a regular yoga practice. When I lived in the Mission, I frequented Bikram Yoga in the Mission (now Mission Yoga or something like that) for a challenge- take 4 or 5 yoga classes a week for 8 weeks and get two weeks of yoga free. I figured this was a good challenge and I was game for it. I did it, got really skinny and was a really strong rider for ALC 3. However, I was so burnt out from doing it so often for 8 weeks that I really didn't enjoy the 2 free weeks. I tried going to other yoga studios but they didn't do it for me. Finally I rolled up the yoga mat and focused on biking and running.
Usually around this time of year, I'm training for a marathon or a half marathon as of late. But my posture still sucks so I will have to put off running for awhile.
I'm having a love/ hate relationship with Bikram yoga. Well, not exactly hate but sometimes not wanting to go. I read somewhere that if you don't want to go to yoga class, that's the best time to go.
I know that it is suggested that one should go three times a week (at least) to get the benefits of Bikram yoga. I sometimes get bored because we're doing the same 26 poses for the 90 minute allotted time. I am managing to go at least twice a week. I'm taking a slower pace and not putting a lot of expectation that my life will change dramatically like the woman in the O Magazine article last year talked how 3 months of Bikram yoga (she went every day since she was in between jobs) changed her life. I'm not going at it hard assed like I did seven years ago.
At least my shoulders are opening a little bit more. I am finding myself looking forward to recovery from class with coconut water (I don't like the taste of pure coconut water; I need it to be flavored- same amount of points). I'm putting a lot on it that I will lose a ton of weight but I need to temper that expectation with what I am eating and putting in my mouth.
We'll see where I end up around September when my Groupon expires. That's all I expect. A wait and see attitude.
The First 100 Days
Usually one would watch carefully the first 100 days of a public official's term in office as taking the pulse of that administration, seeing if the term of the public official will be a good one. Rich and I haven't reached our 100 days yet (we're at day 92 as a married couple). So far, things have been good.
We've lived together for about two years before we got married. I have to say that married life is different. There is a shift that the two of you share that no words can explain. We're more now thought of as a unit, not two individuals.
So far, we've opened a checking account, inherited a lot of furniture from Rich's brother Ed, and looked for mattresses. I've made the appropriate changes to my social security card and my driver's license (that will be tomorrow).
I have to say that I am overall happy about our marriage. We're going through some challenges such as Rich deciding what to do career wise and struggling with money. Other than that, nothing really much is happening.
Peeling Off the Band-Aid
Ever peel off a band-aid when the scar is still fresh? Or better yet, picking the protective covering made by platelets in your bloodstream from a scar to just expose it again.
Listening to certain songs remind me of scars of my past.
I still try to find what the fuck Joe is doing these days even though in 7 to 8 months, I'm going to marry Rich. I don't know why I still do it.
I think of Joe as the one good on paper. Just an artificial cutout of what I'm supposed to have. Rich on the other hand is real flesh and blood with real feelings.
It was ironic that when Joe and I broke up, he referred me as his girlfriend. He sure didn't treat me like one. It's the little things that really count and get to you.
Do I want Joe back? When all is said and done at the end of the day, I don't.
Good thing that he's gone from Facebook. That's it for him.
