Portrait of a Pinay as a Young Woman II

Summarizing the Year

2011-12-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

Well, in a few days, 2011 will be over. My, what an eventful year this has been.

For starters, Rich and I got married! It will be eight months since we have been married. It seems like only yesterday, I was starting my job at Waters Kraus & Paul and getting the final details of the wedding together. I wouldn't trade married life for anything in the world right now.

I have to check to verify this but I ended up gaining weight this year. I managed to fit in my wedding dress (and Ma said I wouldn't!) which was what really mattered this year. I have been hovering around the same two to three pounds in what seems like forever. Just yesterday, the scale moved in the direction I wanted to go: down. It was only 0.2 lbs. A small victory I will take and savor. This has been my catalyst to get back on plan to lose the last 25 lbs that I need to get to goal!

I have to say that I survived nine weeks of boot camp. It was hard in the beginning but I stuck to it, only missing one session with Coach Katie. I had fun and I learned some exercises that I can incorporate when I go to the gym.

Here are my resolutions for the year:

1) Track what I eat on weekends. This is the part where I don't account for in my food journal. I figured that once I do track what I eat on Saturday and Sunday, I will be able to try to normalize my eating patterns. I do a good job here in the office. I want to carry that momentum to my weekends.

2) Run. I slowly want to get back to running again. I really want to do a 5k with Rich in the coming year. I have been going to physical therapy with Curtis for over a year now. My posture has gotten better but I still have a ways to go.

3) Push ups. Last month, I started doing the iPhone application of 100 push ups where in six weeks, you can end up doing 100 good form push ups. I stopped doing it after Thanksgiving. I am going to pick this up again in the new year.

4) Taking time for myself. I don't mean just doing the things that I do for myself now- going to the gym, going to centering prayer, etc. I want to do things in addition to those times I have for myself. Like for example, taking time to journal, taking the occasional bath and mud mask.

I'll leave this list for now. I wish you and yours a very happy and prosperous 2012!

Music Box

2011-11-21T04:46:00.000-08:00

This Christmas, I want an iPod Classic. I just want to have my vast music library available to me whenever I want and the Classic seems to fit the bill. I have a Nano but it only holds a small amount of songs.

Next to books, I love music. I guess it comes from me growing up with piano lessons that later evolved to playing clarinet and alto saxophone. I have a lot of CDs of different genres of music. You name it, I have it. Well, some things I don't have.

With the advent of iTunes and MP3 downloads, I am able to put my library into a small compact space. I hardly buy CDs and I have discovered some new genres. Since my collection has grown so big, I had to have all my music in an external hard drive. I have yet to sit down and edit my music selections. Once upon a time, I would check out a lot of CDs from the library and upload them to my iTunes.

The power of music evokes strong memories. Usually a song I would hear would take me back to some point in my life. I wonder whether to buy these songs to relive these memories. Most are good, some are painful. I figured that the painful stuff is buried for a reason. Sometimes we do have to process those memories to get through life.

One of these days, I'll have to organize my music and set up playlists. Well that will all come in time.

Should the lost be found?

2011-10-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

Three things triggered me to write about this topic. The first being was replacing all the items that were in my purse which was stolen a few weeks ago out of Rich's car. Second was wondering whether to invite people I used to be friends with but drifted apart to be part of my circle of Facebook friends. The third thing being should I download songs that I listened to while growing up onto my iTunes library.

I am happy to say that I got back some of the items I lost. The rest I had to replace: wallet, cell phone, iPad, various credit cards, my debit card, my driver's license. I just wished I wrote down the numbers that I would frequently call. I'm so used to just looking up on my smartphone the name of the person I wanted to talk to and just selecting that person without having to dial the actual number. I know that will be a process once I get my new iPhone.

I've been pondering whether to reconnect with people I was once friends with then drifted apart. One person that comes to mind is my friend Andrea. We met while both of us were living in Washington, D.C. 15 years ago. We were both away from our families located in Southern Cali and both of us were involved in politics. Well, Andrea wanted to break into the political world which I was a part of as a congressional staffer. Sadly, Andrea never got s chance to do so. She ended up working for Oracle. We always had fun together and had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen which reminded us of home. I was the first to leave Washington, D.C. in 1998 to go back to California. Andrea soon followed when she managed to land a position at Oracle's headquarters on the peninsula. I was already in the Bay Area when Andrea arrived. We managed to get together and have fun even though the get togethers were far and few between. I met her boyfriend who later became her husband, Albern. I remembered how happy they were together. We promised that we were going to be in each other's weddings and be godmothers to our children. We just drifted apart once Andrea was spending a lot of time with Albern. I never did get an invitation to her wedding. She ended up moving to Southern Cali with Albern and started s family. I know she is on Facebook but do I want to extend an invitation to be friends with her after so many years?

I was tooling around iTunes when I found a song that reminded me of one of my ex boyfriends. I thought for a moment whether to buy it or not. I chose not to since I didn't want to be reminded of him. I wonder about that with other songs. Songs that I grew up with and wondering whether to incorporate them in my life now. I still debate whether to revisit The Cure, The Smiths, Def Leppard, Depeche Mode, and other alternative and hard rock bands I listened to in my teenage years. Do I want to revisit the angst that I had back then?

Maybe some thing that are lost are better off lost. I have yet to sort whether or not to reconnect with Andrea or to buy memories of my youth on iTunes. I'll get back to you on that.

The Last Seven Weeks

2011-09-18T00:57:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since my last post. I finally decided that Bikram Yoga was not for me and quit going to the Funky Door Yoga in the beginning of August. I've been trying to find something to substitute and I've been going to the gym and doing my best to get up early and do the elliptical machine for 20 minutes, three times a week. I've also taken a Zumba class which is a challenge since I'm really not that coordinated. I've had some bike rides sprinkled here and there and in a month from now, AIDS/ LifeCycle 11 training season will have begun.

In terms of weight loss, I've been really diligent in tracking what I have been consuming. Even if I don't know the points values or better yet not want to know the points values, I write it down. So far, I've lost 2 of the 4 lbs I have set myself for my goal this month.

I am participating in a Weight Watchers challenge that I saw on the message boards. Each week, there is a weekly challenge and a weekend challenge. Usually the weekend challenge includes getting in activity points. It's easy for me to rack them up since I'm pretty active. It's just hard to find things to do. I signed up for boot camp which will happen next month for eight weeks. Let's see what happens with that.

I had a good talk with my friend Liza recently. It seems like when I talk to her, all the things that I have been thinking but too scared to vocalize come out. I not only give Liza insight but I give myself some insight and sometimes clarity on certain situations.

So overall, I have to say things are good in the hood.

It's Getting Hot In Here

2011-07-31T04:50:00.000-07:00

At the beginning of this month, I decided to redeem my coupon for two months of classes at Funky Door Yoga on Polk Street, about a 15 minute walk from work. I needed something to do and I didn't want to get back onto my bike. I usually take a vacation from the bike until the fall. So I decided to give yoga a shot.

It has been seven years since I stepped into a yoga studio and had a regular yoga practice. When I lived in the Mission, I frequented Bikram Yoga in the Mission (now Mission Yoga or something like that) for a challenge- take 4 or 5 yoga classes a week for 8 weeks and get two weeks of yoga free. I figured this was a good challenge and I was game for it. I did it, got really skinny and was a really strong rider for ALC 3. However, I was so burnt out from doing it so often for 8 weeks that I really didn't enjoy the 2 free weeks. I tried going to other yoga studios but they didn't do it for me. Finally I rolled up the yoga mat and focused on biking and running.

Usually around this time of year, I'm training for a marathon or a half marathon as of late. But my posture still sucks so I will have to put off running for awhile.

I'm having a love/ hate relationship with Bikram yoga. Well, not exactly hate but sometimes not wanting to go. I read somewhere that if you don't want to go to yoga class, that's the best time to go.

I know that it is suggested that one should go three times a week (at least) to get the benefits of Bikram yoga. I sometimes get bored because we're doing the same 26 poses for the 90 minute allotted time. I am managing to go at least twice a week. I'm taking a slower pace and not putting a lot of expectation that my life will change dramatically like the woman in the O Magazine article last year talked how 3 months of Bikram yoga (she went every day since she was in between jobs) changed her life. I'm not going at it hard assed like I did seven years ago.

At least my shoulders are opening a little bit more. I am finding myself looking forward to recovery from class with coconut water (I don't like the taste of pure coconut water; I need it to be flavored- same amount of points). I'm putting a lot on it that I will lose a ton of weight but I need to temper that expectation with what I am eating and putting in my mouth.

We'll see where I end up around September when my Groupon expires. That's all I expect. A wait and see attitude.

The First 100 Days

2011-07-31T04:34:00.000-07:00

Usually one would watch carefully the first 100 days of a public official's term in office as taking the pulse of that administration, seeing if the term of the public official will be a good one. Rich and I haven't reached our 100 days yet (we're at day 92 as a married couple). So far, things have been good.

We've lived together for about two years before we got married. I have to say that married life is different. There is a shift that the two of you share that no words can explain. We're more now thought of as a unit, not two individuals.

So far, we've opened a checking account, inherited a lot of furniture from Rich's brother Ed, and looked for mattresses. I've made the appropriate changes to my social security card and my driver's license (that will be tomorrow).

I have to say that I am overall happy about our marriage. We're going through some challenges such as Rich deciding what to do career wise and struggling with money. Other than that, nothing really much is happening.

Peeling Off the Band-Aid

2010-08-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Ever peel off a band-aid when the scar is still fresh? Or better yet, picking the protective covering made by platelets in your bloodstream from a scar to just expose it again.

Listening to certain songs remind me of scars of my past.

I still try to find what the fuck Joe is doing these days even though in 7 to 8 months, I'm going to marry Rich. I don't know why I still do it.

I think of Joe as the one good on paper. Just an artificial cutout of what I'm supposed to have. Rich on the other hand is real flesh and blood with real feelings.

It was ironic that when Joe and I broke up, he referred me as his girlfriend. He sure didn't treat me like one. It's the little things that really count and get to you.

Do I want Joe back? When all is said and done at the end of the day, I don't.

Good thing that he's gone from Facebook. That's it for him.

Suburbia Gives Me Hives

2010-07-31T04:46:00.000-07:00

It's true. Whenever I would visit my brother and his family down in So Cal or Rich and I would trek over to the burbs to see Hung and Nick and the latest Dr. Who episode, I literally have this feeling akin to claustrophobia.

I have to say, I've been living most of my post college adult life in major metropolitan areas. I've always resigned myself that I would always single and living in the city. Well, that is no longer the case these days. The remaining single part that is.

I've been thinking about a lot of former city folks that picked up their belongings and fled to the burbs. I know the litany of complaints about living here in the City- there's no affordable housing, the schools are crap and crime is prevalent. Yet, I find certain gems here in the city that I would never ever find in the burbs.

It's kind of funny that I rag on the burbs but growing up there wasn't a cake walk. Being the only kid who was Filipino and trying to eek out an existence without going crazy.

I was talking to Nick the other day about houses. Rich and I have no desire to own a house these days and deal with the upkeep. Nick talked about having me and Rich get a condo- owning a piece of real estate without the major trips to Home Depot and channeling my butchy self.

I remembered one gal I used to know who is now a working mom in suburban San Diego saying how she's become a soccer mom with the minivan, house in the burbs, and the 2.5 children (she has two daughters). I take a look at it all and flatly said as if it was a reflexive action, "That's not for me." I know the comeback to that would be, "Let's see when you have children."

But what if we don't have kids? I'm wondering would we feel like the odd couple out because we don't want to reproduce. Don't get me wrong, I like kids. But, I question myself of my capability to be a mother. Can I just have the feeling of being pregnant and just not keeping the kid. Kind of sounds cruel but that's what I feel now.

If we do have a family, we envision ourselves raising out child in the city. I mean Rich made it through the urban jungle called San Francisco and look how he turned out. I hope the same goes for our child (if we decide to have one). If circumstance occurs that we don't or can't have a kid, there's always a pug.

Yo-yo No More

2010-03-17T15:26:00.000-07:00

My weight has been going up and down like the stock market these past few months. I haven't been able to get out of my 140s. I would come close and then shoot back up again. It's not really helping because I need to get at least 10 lbs down so I can fit into my dress.

Yesterday, I had a pity party after finding out I shot up 3 lbs this past week. I just said "screw it" and ended up getting some chips and a soda and greasy Chinese food from Pacific Super. I slept most of the day and I realized that I had to go to rehearsal that evening. I got dressed and waited a good 15 minutes to realize that the train wasn't going to come by for another 15 minutes. I said "screw it" and took a bus to the BART station and took BART to 16th Street Mission stop and walked as fast as I could from the Mission to the Castro. I finally made it to rehearsal and it cleared my head and got rid of most of the pity party. By the time I got home, I decided to fix a real healthy meal of rotiseere chicken breast, mixed vegetables and quinoa. It was good to have Rich back home since he was gone most of the day. We vowed that we would work together to get rid of the weight.

I looked at an old Weight Watcher's weekly handout on motivation. I went to a couple of the message boards and found one on depression and weight loss. That really spoke to me since I've been trying to cope with being bipolar and losing weight. One of the gals on the board recommended me to the bipolar and losing weight board. I left messages on both and feel hopeful because I am no longer alone in this.

Cookie Binge

2010-01-12T20:11:00.000-08:00

Today I binged on 4 Mrs. Fields Cookies.

I did it because I was bored
I did it because I felt inferior
I did it because I felt like I couldn't make it as a paralegal
I did it because I have never had a real career before and I'm scared
I did it because I felt like I wasn't ready
I did it because I was lonely
I did it because I wanted something comforting, something that reminds me of childhood, fresh baked chocolate chip cookies
I did it because I feel like sabotaging something doing so well because I felt like all the good things that I had in life, the rug was pulled out from under me

I didn't feel good about it. Like the time I binged on a box of Ghiradelli holiday chocolate squares.

I know that days like these, rainy and dreary, I feel my depression more so I need to make an effort to take care of myself even more. That's why I felt like binging on the cookies.

I know that the next meal is a clean slate and tomorrow is another day.

The Last Few Days

2010-01-06T14:07:00.001-08:00

Have been pretty good. I have been going to the gym and eating right. I'm pretty much on track. Got my internship in order. Need to write up my letter of agreement for Eve to sign. Eve is my internship supervisor. I'll be excited to finally go out to the real world and work even if it is for no pay but the experience is key.

Now time for a nap.

Resoulutions

2010-01-04T21:19:00.002-08:00

This year here are my goals:

1) to finally pay off that debt that I have in my credit record and clear it up. So far I need $500 more to pay it off. Halfway there.

2) Finally make Lifetime Membership by June 30, 2010. I want to keep it off and work hard at it.

The second one is a little bit harder than the first. I have so much shit to deal with. Scared of a lot of stuff and tracking food has been an eye opener. I like my journal since it has space for me to reflect on the week of what happened. I just don't want to resign myself to defeat but to really give it a good try.

I'm really scared that this whole thing in my life- losing weight, getting my certificate and launching my career, getting married- I feel like that the rug is going to be pulled out from under me or that I would be at a dead end again. I know that I should congratulate myself on some of my accomplishments- moving up north and sticking to my guns, finishing not only a marathon but four, doing the ride nine times, and completing college with a double major. I guess there's a part of me that feels like I don't deserve those things. But I do, I really do. I have to remind myself about them. That it's about persistence not perfection.

I know I will make it. I just have to really believe in it.

Chill

2010-01-04T21:19:00.000-08:00

Tonight Rich went to some presentation with a fellow church member, leaving me alone tonight. I ended up finishing a book I have started to read and need to return to the library next week. I'm listening to the iPod Genius mixes of neo-soul that it collected.

It's funny that I have spent a lot of my time, no most of my time with Rich. There are few occasions where Rich isn't around- that's Sunday mornings where both of us go to our respective houses of worship, work (when Rich used to have a job) and when I have class or appointments or going to the gym (we go to different gyms).

I like spending my time with Rich don't get me wrong. But sometimes a gal needs her alone time. Her me time. The gym usually serves as this time.

I got my wedding veil just the other day in the mail. I'm getting my dress in April. We'll see what happens.

Maligayang Pasko

2009-12-24T17:35:00.000-08:00

That is Merry Christmas in Tagalog for those who do not know. I'm happy to have Rich in my life to share this holiday. Tonight we are going to his church over at Holy Child and St. Martin in Daly City for services. I'm not sure what we are doing after- going to his sister in law's aunt's place to see the girls Khloe and Karissa open their gifts or go over to Most Holy Redeemer for services.

I got Rich's present- a Scrabble set. I figured that we should have some more quality time together and this would do it since both of us like Scrabble. Before Rich got into online poker, he used to play online Scrabble a lot. I'm not sure what he got me. It doesn't matter. He's my present that I get to have every day of the year for many years.

Tomorrow we plan to get up, make breakfast, have lunch with his folks, see a movie and go out for Chinese food for dinner. The next day, we head down to So Cal to see family and friends. Hopefully the wedding dress showing will go well on Sunday. Keep your fingers crossed.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!

White Wedding

2009-12-20T02:53:00.001-08:00

Well, the last time I was here, I was telling you about mine and RIch's impending move to the City from his place in Oakland and my shared flat in San Francisco. We didn't get to move into the house but we managed to get into the in-law unit that is part of the house.

I moved out of my flat at the end of February and stayed with RIch until we were ready to move into our new digs. I have to tell you it wasn't quite ready when we first moved in. The kitchen and living room floors were being replaced so for awhile, our stuff was in storage and our bedroom. We managed to get the floors done due to the diligent work of our friend Jay who is also our landlord. He and his wife Lil and their son Rowan live in the upstairs part of the house. Jay is one of RIch's closest friends from church so that is how I got to know him and his family.

As you can see by the title of this posting, there is a wedding impending- mine. Rich proposed to me in October of this year at the finish line of the Nike Women's marathon. Here's the posting from our soon to be up wedding website about how he proposed:

Every October since they met in March 2007, Richard and Edna would participate in the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco. Richard would run the full 26.2 miles while Edna would opt for the 13.1 miles in the half marathon. Both of them are avid runners.

For the Nike Women's Marathon in 2009, Edna sat out on that year's half marathon while Richard participated in the full marathon. Their friends happened to know the race organizers so Edna was able to get a full access pass to any part of the marathon, both at the starting line and finish line. That was great for Edna since she planned to cheer Richard at the finish line.

Richard told Edna to look out for their friends since they would finish faster than him. Once Edna spotted one of Richard's friends, Janette, Edna saw Janette in tears. Janette told Edna that she was going to collapse from running so fast. Concerned, Edna insisted that Janette see someone in the medical tent. After a short visit to in the medical tent, Janette insisted that Edna go out to the finish line. Perplexed, Edna followed orders.

Once she saw Richard was about a few hundred yards from the finish line, Edna ran out to run in with Richard together in the finish line. Both tired from the sprint, Edna hugged Richard. Next thing she knew, Richard was down on one knee with a box in his hand. Once he opened the box, Edna couldn't help but scream and yell, "I'm going to get married! I'm going to get married!"

Pretty cool huh?

Now I'm juggling the end of completing my paralegal program while wedding planning. We started right away, laying out a budget and looking at websites like theknot.com and a few other alternative wedding websites. I already had my wedding planner bought back in the beginning of 2008. I bought it around the time that my brother Ed and his wife Jing were planning their wedding. It's called "The Anti Bride Wedding Planner". I happened to gravitate around this one since I have to admit that I'm not really girly and frilly. I haven't really dreamed of what my wedding would be like. I'd have some idea from going to all the Filipino weddings I've attended in the past with my family but I wasn't dead set on where to have it back then.

Rich and I are planning to have it here in San Francisco. We have yet to find a venue that will fit 250 people. I'm getting married in Rich's church since if we were to have a church wedding in my faith (he's Episcopalian while I am Catholic), he would not be able to receive communion unless he were to convert to Catholicism which is something I don't want to force him to do. I haven't told Ma or Pop about the getting married in the Episcopalian part or maybe I did, I'm not sure. I figured they wouldn't mind since Episcopalian is close to the Catholic church. They share almost identical ceremonies, celebrate the same holy holidays and have identical sacraments. The only difference is that in the Catholic church, the priest is celibate while in the Episcopalian faith, the priest can either be married or a woman. Episcopalians usually rally around social justice issues like the Catholic church but on the issues of being pro-choice and gay rights, the Catholic church draws the line and frowns heavily on those issues while Episcopalians are for gay rights and gay marriage and they don't condemn people who are pro-choice. . Since I am for gay rights and pro-choice, I tend to gravitate towards Episcopalian in that sense even though I'm still Catholic to the core. I still go to Mass and celebrate holy days and participate in the sacraments of communion during Mass and the occasional confession. Sometimes I join Rich at a service at his church and his church's social events. He occasionally goes to Mass with me, usually when we are out of town visiting my family down in Southern California. When we have children, we'll decide what to do in terms of their faith formation. We'll cross that bridge when we get there.

My friend Sarah has been instrumental in helping me plan since she used to work in the bridal industry a few years ago. Sarah is someone I met at my work when I was at the Gap a few years back. We've both moved on from that place and lived our respective lives but kept in touch and occasionally met up for dinner. She's up in Sacramento right now, looking for work as a pastry chef and looking to move back to the City once she gets a job, She was a student at San Francisco State University when I first met her. Incidentally that's where I am doing my paralegal program. Sarah's totally my Girl Friday in terms of my wedding. I would tell her ideas and details here and there and she would send me tweets or e-mails. She went with me to one of the shops I was looking at to get a gown and we surprisingly found one that would fit the bill. I know it's early in the game to do this but it was on sale and I got a coupon from David's Bridal (the Wal-Mart of bridal as it is known) from a wedding expo so it practically lowered the price so much that it was totally under budget. Score!

Now trying to convince Ma to put down her credit card (Ma and Pop are funding a good majority of the wedding while RIch and I save up) but that hasn't been easy. We got into a fight about it when I called her last Monday. I hung up, angry and seething and a little sad. I really want Ma to be part of this part of my life and I want her to share my joy in this. So instead of hanging my head in defeat (the sale and the coupon have an expiration date), Rich and I are going down to Southern California after Christmas and I'm going to take her to the David's Bridal shop over in Redlands which is near my family's place and show her the dress and convince her to get it. I know her concerns are that if I shot up in weight again before the wedding and it's so far away from the date we planned (we picked April 30, 2011 as our date). She doesn't understand that it takes time to order the gown, months even and then it takes time to do the alterations. Also, it's a good deal...why pass it up?

Rich and I decided on day so far in advanced for several reasons. One, we want a spring wedding since that is the time when it's not as expensive as it is during the months of June, July and August. I've always liked sweet pea blossoms which is the flower I want at my wedding and spring is the time that it is abundant. Also, since I am finishing up school this coming spring, it would be a really big juggle to finish school and plan a wedding.

So there it is. All that stuff that has happened so far in terms of planning for our wedding. Stay tuned for future updates.

Ex's and Oh's

2009-01-05T14:56:00.000-08:00

I have a confession. I still look at my ex's Facebook profile.

I don't know why I do this. Maybe I'm wondering and curious to see how he is. Part of me ponders and wonders what if we were to continue our relationship after I messed up. Part of me still swoons just a tad when I see his photos and remember his good points: graduated from Cal, works as an engineer at Lockheed Martin, Filipino, Catholic, makes me laugh, great in bed, etc. Seems like his good points were only good on paper. Yet I still see what life he is leading and it seems like he never left college. Don't get me wrong, living the college life is great but one of these days you have to grow up.

Another thing that ticks me off now that I think about it was that my ex never introduced me to his friends. I met his roommates but never his friends. I know that I was working at the time he was off at Cal football games and get togethers but at least invite me to come along. Or was I his dirty little secret, a rebound after his college girlfriend dumped him and married someone else from Japan where she is from. I guess I will never know.

I am really leaning against adding him to my circle of friends on Facebook. As much as part of me still swoons over him, I think of the times he has hurt me and have been cold and distant. It's not a nice feeling and I think of all the hurt and anger I carried all these years. It hasn't been until I started dating Rich almost two years ago when I started to let all the baggage go. That and therapy sessions helped get rid of all the garbage. As much as I want to hold on to the good things, it's best to really move on and savor what I have now- a loving, committed relationship with someone who shares my values, is kind, supports my dreams, is funny and all that good stuff.

Home Sweet Home

2009-01-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

It has been a long time since I have written something in this blog. I have to admit that journaling has taken a back seat ever since I got sick back in 2006. I haven't found the creative juices or the need to write until now.

Well, for starters, happy 2009 and change is in the air and I don't mean what President Obama has said in his acceptance speech during the 2008 Presidential Campaign. At the end of February, Rich and I will finally have a San Francisco address. I already have one but Rich currently lives across the bay in Oakland. Yes, Rich and I are moving in together. The change in living situation won't be anything new- I practially live over at his place in Oakland and spend less and less time at my San Francisco apartment.

Where we will live is in a three bedroom, two bathroom house on the outskirts of the City. Basically if you throw a rock out of our future home, you're in Daly City. What I see in that home is a lot of potential for us to grow as a couple and perhaps one day, have a family there. First I just have to plug through school for another year and a half and Rich needs to save up.

I'm seeing this change as a good one, and even a kind of scary one. I have yet to tell my parents that I am moving in with my boyfriend. I'm scared on how they would react. Would they forbid it? Would they disown me? I'm not so sure what is going to happen. I have only a few days to tell them in person while I'm down here in Southern Cali. I get nervous thinking about it. I wonder how they would feel about their eldest daughter living in sin? Well, for starters, my family likes Rich so far as I can assume. My folks even gave Rich a little something for Christmas.

But other than those fears running through my head, things are swimming and being overwhelmed. I have yet to figure out how to donate the stuff I don't need, what things to pack in both places, etc. About a good 1/3 of my stuff is in Rich's place in Oakland, mainly my main staples such as most of my clothes, cookbooks, and my bicycle. My books and most of my other clothes and CDs are at my San Francisco place.

For the last six months or so, I've been fluctuating back and forth between places. Before Rich got hurt with his knee injury, we would spend at least two nights a week at my place and the rest of the time at his place. I would spend the days mostly at my place in the city during the week.

I have to admit that my current place doesn't really feel like home. I feel confined to my room since most of the stuff out in the common area happens to be the roommate who has been there the longest. I feel like I'm suffocated in there and I need a change to break free and have some space. I have stuff that I need to store and maybe now is a good time for me to declutter some things. So far, I have gotten rid of my fat clothes. I have a bit of a ways to go to get into my old size 4 and size 6 clothes, mostly my pants and skirts.

Rich and I always dreamed of living in the City. Although Rich's parents now live in Daly City and he had been in that house since he was a kid, he went to public schools in the City. There was a time when his family was in the City limits but that was when he was in elementary school. I didn't grow up in a major metropolitan area but I really want to avoid the suburban life. It felt so stifiling. I'm sure that there are other challenges in living in the City but I'm willing to face them.

I guess dreams do come true.

Looking Back

2007-11-02T23:11:00.000-07:00

Eight months ago, I would have never thought that I would meet someone that could shake my core and just change my life. I thought the last man I was with, Joe, did that for me. Apparently he did not.

It was RIch that showed me a wealth of unconditional love, affection, kindness, faithfulness and loyalty and friendship that I never had in any of my relationships. Well, some did but they were not in great amounts.

Joe looked so great on paper. He graduated from Cal. He was an engineer with Lockheed-Martin. He was Catholic. He was Filipino. He was athletic. He was great in bed. He made me laugh. We could talk for hours on different things.

But, good on paper could go so far. I'm not sure why I did what I did that broke us up. It tore me up for such a long time. What remains between the two of us is a very hollow shell. Nothing really there anymore.

Now I have something that is sure, that is substancial, that is real. Something that beats good on paper hands down.

What We've Done So Far

2007-10-04T16:06:00.000-07:00

So far in the seven months that I've been with Rich, we have...

1) gone camping in Lake Tahoe
2) seen 3 Giants baseball games
3) trained for the Nike Women's Marathon (he's running the full 26.2 miles, I just got in the half marathon after working so hard to gain an entry)
4) watched two complete seasons of food competition shows (Top Chef season three and The Next Food Network Star season three)
5) gone to a wedding (my brother's in July)
6) gone cycling once (the last training ride of the Cat 2 series of AIDS/ LifeCycle)

I have yet to make him a pie although I have made him dinner the past few times and that has gone over well. I'm looking forward where we don't have to do marathon training anymore and I can make him pie and other things with love.

Missing You

2007-05-04T21:54:00.000-07:00

This weekend, Rich and I aren't spending a weekend together like we usually do. Instead, he is in Cincinati running a marathon for his 35th birthday and I'm doing a two-day back to back ride out to the Russian River.

I'm worried for him since he sprained his ankle about a week and a half ago. I told him to just take it easy and not run until the marathon itself. Plus some other things happened to him at work where it has thrown things for a loop. I know he'll do fine in this latest loop that has been thrown at him but I still do worry.

I know I should be going to bed right now. Must get up early. Still need to pack some last minute things.

Wicked Game

2007-04-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'll go to random people's MySpace pages and listen to their tunes while I do things like blog. My younger cousin Ali has some cool songs on her play list, one being Chris Issak's "Wicked Game". I even remember what happened in my life listening to this song. It was my senior year at Redlands High School. I would sometimes drive up around Sunset and the Redlands Country Club which was on a canyon/ cliff. I remembered rainy days. I remembered having a crush on Sean Kenny. I remembered the anxiety of wondering if I will get into my first choice college, UC Irvine.

***

Berlin's "Take My Breath Away"

A love ballad from the movie "Top Gun". It's what Rich does to me at times. He amazes me, surprises me. As each day passes, I see something new, find something fresh that I discover from him. I see photos of us and we just look so good together as if we belong. My honeybun or honbun as I would say. I am his love. He is my honbun.

The End of an Era

2007-04-12T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today marks Joe's 34th birthday. Before I would be sad, wishing that I could be there with him wishing him another year of happiness, I do so, my e-mails not being replied to.

Now the sadness is over.

There's something real and wonderful being with Rich. Just spending time with him where he really wants to be with you and loves you for who you are. Not having to be the perfect girlfriend all the time and being on my toes. Where I can be myself. No drama or gore or craziness. All 100 percent pure love without a trace of sugar or sappiness.

Goodbye Joseph. Hello Richard.

List of things to do after AIDS/ LifeCycle 6

2007-04-07T18:22:00.000-07:00

1) Bake a pie for Rich
2) Go to the new stadium and watch a ballgame with Rich
3) Go to an Episcopal service with Rich
4) Bake pies and experiment more in the kitchen
5) Go to the Farmer's Market more often
6) Spend time with friends
7) Spend time with Rich

Note there is a thread here. Not that I don't spend enough time with Rich. I just want more time to spend with Rich.

Spring

2007-04-07T17:40:00.000-07:00

In my life, there are certain markers that signify spring for me- brighter colors; green garlic, strawberries, dafodils and sweet pea blossoms at the Farmer's Market; baseball season starting up, warmer weather or better yet, foggier days here in the City.

This Spring is a little different. I have Rich in my life that makes me smile and puts the best of all four seasons rolled into one. Just recently, he made some modifications to his MySpace and Friendster pages that totally make me smile.

Another Spring bonus- I found out that my friend Cin is 3.5 months pregnant! I'm so excited for her since her and her husband Kevin have been trying for so long. We had brunch today and seeing that bump on her and her looking so radiant made me really happy for her.

I'm really looking forward to Monday. It marks our 1 month anniversary and Rich won't tell me what he has planned. I wonder what Mr. Lagunte has planned up his sleeve.

Happy

2007-04-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt this happy in a long long time. Being with Rich is like having all of my favorite things all rolled into one all the time. We have spent quite a lot of time with each other. We have met each other's friends. I'm so into him I don't know where to begin. And it's not an into that person that is obsessive or possessive or needy. But it's a genuine love and affection for the other one.

I will admit that I still do have some memories of Joe. The feelings are not really there anymore. I do think about him at times. A friend told me that is natural because if someone has been a big part of your life, you think about them.

I bite my lower lip thinking about Joe. The time together was rather bittersweet for the both of us. Maybe we can become friends eventually I don't really know.

But for now, I want to swim in my happiness that I have with Rich. And I am.

Possessing the Secret of Joy

2007-03-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

The title of this post comes from a book by Alice Walker. If I remember, It's about female gential mutilation, a practice that is still done in some African cultures.

However, I'm not going to talk about female gential mutilation. I'm going to talk about how my life is getting better where I find that joy coming in.

So far, the stuff for AIDS/ LifeCycle is going great! Fundraising is going great as is training. This week I rode up to Fairfax on Thursday and today did the Tiburon Loop with the Marin Headlands. I felt strong even though there were parts where I was struggling. I have to thank Bobby for giving me a ride home from today's ride. Tommorrow I'm going riding again to China Camp, a new route that Ben has in mind for us.

I've also started dating again. I had a few get togethers for coffee with some random guys. My date last night went well. Hopefully I'll get to see more of him.

I just have to say that I'm just bubbling over with a lot of joy. Nothing wrong with that.

Let The Pain Remain

2007-02-28T23:35:00.000-08:00

I have this Jose Llana song on loop on my itunes right now. The title of the song happens to be the title of this blog entry.

As I am flirting with this one person that I've met on an ALC training ride as well as going on match.com and getting back out on the dating scene, there is still a bit of bittersweetness and sadness about the one I still do have heartstrings for.

When I do think of Joe these days, I bite by lower lip, knowing that we have drifted very far apart. I'm not sure if we had things in common but we were into each other back then. Most of my friends agree that Joe wasn't a good fit. Of course I was a tad stubborn to hear about it.

I just want to create new memories and try new experiences. I want to let go of Joe. I think I've pretty much let go of him. It's just finding someone who will not necessarily replace him but just to move on.

Speaking of moving on, I'm just afraid that I won't be able to move on to my dreams. I think about my activism part of me, the one that wants to go to law school and grad school. How do I grow? How will I grow? Can I grow?

I'm having a hard time sleeping since I slept a good portion of the day. Grrrrr...

You Are What You Eat

2007-02-27T21:19:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been taking the time to cook once again. It feels really good to make my own meals and eat very healthy. The first phase of my diet was all veggies and I rediscovered salads again. It was hard not eat meats but my proteins were beans and tofu and lentils. They were pretty tasty.

The hardest part of the diet is sometimes when you are presented with foods outside your diet. There are times when I crave cookies and junk food. But I feel the after affects. I feel my body telling me not to indulge in those foods rather to consume healthier options.

The Y near my place is offering an ideal weight class. I'm most likely going to sign up for it.

Turning A Corner

2007-02-21T21:45:00.000-08:00

I know in the past few years, I have devoted a lot of my blogspace to my ex-boyfriend Joe. Some of you might have thrown your arms in exasperation and wonder when will be the day when I get over him.

I wouldn't say that I have completely gotten over him. Now the focus is on someone else. And it isn't some carnal thing.

I met this person at a party that a few ALC buddies of mine threw last summer. He completed ALC 5, his first ride. We chatted for quite a bit. I didn't see him again until last Saturday when he happened to show up at a training ride. We continued to chat at the lunch stop, Shark's Deli. Hopefully I will get to see him on the ride again and on future training rides.

In Bikrham yoga, you do 26 positions twice. Each time you build up the courage to go forward. You can say that my latest dip into the dating pool is my tip. OK, so we haven't had a date just yet. But it would be nice.

Seeds

2007-02-19T14:33:00.000-08:00

So far, I've been trying to get things going along. Training for AIDS/ LifeCycle 6 has been going along well. Despite a sprained ankle a few weeks ago, I've gotten myself up to train. Then comes the fundraising which I hope will come through.

i started a new diet which I've already lost 2lbs so far. It also goes along with the exercise where I go into the gym 5 days a week for 30 minutes of cardio.

I'm doing ok at my new volunteer stint at the American Red Cross. Not sure if I want to go into development still. It's an option and I'm keeping my options open.

All these things are seeds in a way because I'm just nurturing them along to grow into fulfilled goals and shrubs. My little trees.

Bagoong Posting ng 2007

2007-01-09T13:26:00.000-08:00

I decided to put up a new post for 2007. A week and a half later I know but I wanted to get some thoughts together.

I feel a bit better when I'm here in the City. Yet, I wonder what I need to do next. So much is so unknown. I relapsed to just sleeping and eating meals and taking my meds, hence survival skills, when I was down there. I got up and did stuff when it was planned.

Ma and Ed are in PI right now. Part of me would like to be there but I'm still not feeling up to it. I know it myself. I'm trying so hard to struggle and get my bootstraps up. I wonder how. How can I?

Detox

2006-12-29T09:05:00.000-08:00

Last night, I met up with Rachel, Jorge, Ken and Teddo for yet another Paper Pills show. Since I am in their home turf of So Cal for a few weeks (same home turf as my folks), I was fortunate to see them play.

Since I am on medication, you got it, no booze. I only had one beer, some Stella but I was craving for food as was Kyoko, Ken's girlfriend. Only she ended up meeting wth friends after the show in Pasadena. After I left the Knitting Factory, I just grabbed some chili cheese fries from Tommy's.

What makes one gag more- alcohol or anything from Tommy's? Tommy's where the burgers and hot dogs and fries are piled on with chili...makes one shudder quite a bit. But, I figured it's a good hangover cure.

Now I'm drinkng lots of water to get the Tommy stuff omut of my system.

one hundred eighty degrees

2006-12-17T23:11:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I spied a pretty cute Filipino guy at after Mass. Actually I spied him several times when I went there but never got who he was. I introduced myself and let the big ballsy whipper snapper part of me comment to the point where he got a little shell shocked. And he was off for Italy to continue onto his master's program in divinity studies.

Here's the thing though. Just for kicks, I thought I would google the guy. Turns out that he is...no not a serial killer. But a champion collegic and ametuer Latin dancer champ. I knew that he could dance but he could DANCE??? Holy shit. He also taught dance and coached kids to compete in competitions. That all changed after September 11th when one of his dear friends died in the attacks. That called him to really at his life and take more stock in his faith. He still does dance but combines ministry with dance. Was Jesus really a ballroom dancer, I dunno.

Conventional wisdom says that you usually find good quality guys in church. Usually is the key word.

I'm just blown away. Just like that Chanel No. 5 commerical with "Clair de Lune" playing in the background and Nicole Kidman in it.

I Struggle

2006-12-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

I struggle so much with so many issues right now.

The sun is out but the wind is brisk. I need more than my sweatshirt to cover me. I was thinking of taking a walk to the park but found myself not knowing where to go. Still scracthing my head on what my body wants to eat, what it craves- pasta, a cheeseburger, sex.

Just got off the phone with my spiritual director. We dug up a lot of things together. Things that I would never even touch in my spiritual life.

I struggle to let go of a ghost from my past. I struggle to construct my future.

We all struggle. That's the joy of living and being, isn't it?

Finding Your Core

2006-12-02T20:43:00.000-08:00

I'm not talking about abdominal muscles. I'm more talking about finding that passion, that thing that makes your self soar. Sometimes we are so afraid to engage in our passions. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of not making enough money. Fear of that lack of the safety net. Isn't it when our passions and internal gifts are engaged, we in some way are supported.

It is in where I engage in my passion in AIDS activism where it makes me alive and feeling engaged. After feeling all out of sorts this past week, I found myself renewed and centered after going to a prayer service for World AIDS Day yesterday.

Remember the passion. Remember the passion.

Crazy Eights

2006-10-15T17:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't been able to post lately. I honestly have been out of commission of all sorts but all better now.

I have taken a hitaus from the real world in order to recover from a bout of illness. I will be frank with you. It is a mental disability that I am dealing with right now. Some of you know about my bout with depression a year ago. In actuality, I have been recently diagosed with bipolar disorder, going from shifts of depression to mania. From one crazy pole to another. Nuts huh.

A recent acute manic attack landed me a trip to the hospital. I am now spending some time at an outpatient recovery facility. It is good place in a nice part of the City. I've been able to get out and spend bits and pieces between my apartment and the facility.

Even the care at San Francisco General Hospital was pretty good. I am very pleased with how my overall experience went.

So I shall be back with more pies and rants and raves. I am not readily available to computer access and blogging.

Pula (Red)

2006-09-09T04:58:00.000-07:00

dated August 10, 2005:

red
the color of stop signs, stop lights
do not enter
do not enter my world
my secrets
all the stuff
i don't want you to see me naked
Hwuag

red
the color of luck
prosperity
brillance
in a cheongsam
toasting to a new life
as spouses for life
double happiness

Red
light special
steamy nights
lusty secrets
nasty thoughts
of being the freak
in between the sheets
while being that lady or man
walking the streets
Dollar dollar make ya hollar
Me love you long time

red
the color of construction paer valentines
with lace, glitter
held together with Elmer's glue
though not perfectly shaped
letters crooked and paper off center
it symbolizes

love

Editor's note: This is not the exact version I have in my journal. As I was transcribing this poem, I realized where it needed to be edited. Like all the other poems I have scribbled on this journal, it is a work in progress.

Base Line

2006-09-09T04:49:00.000-07:00

at least two points
construct a line
that bisects space
into
two planes

black or white
in or out
positive or negative
visa or mastercard
red or blue
coke or pepsi

these lands
don't necessarily share views
in fact
they are polar opposites
yet we are conditioned
to pick a side
and stay in it

what if you are a product of those two sides
what if you are that line
that intersection
where do your alliances fall

pick me
pick me
oooo...oooo...oooooo...
you flail your arms and scream
each side wants your full and undivided
attention

i look at both worlds
scope out the elements
watching
listening
no word from me falls

so what set do you claim?

i look square in the eye
confident
powerful
i speak
i say

neither

because i walk the line
that border
with one foot in front of the other
head up high
looking forward

because that baseline is mine
i walk it

because your mine...i walk the line...

Tight Core O'Friendships

2006-09-08T02:51:00.000-07:00

In some ways, I have been jealous of my younger brother Ed and a few folks in my life. I don't really have a gaggle of friends whom I've been friends with for years and years and years. It seems like there is one that I still keep that marks that era in my life. For example, I'm still friends with my friend Amy whom we have known each other since kindergarden. A few gaps here and there due to her settling into a life in Iowa and making home there and me trying to find home in the Beltway and for the time being, Northern California. Rachel marks my high school years. We were tight during that time until senior year when a guy that Rachel was dating came between our friendship (I didn't like the guy.). We grew apart yet got back together as friends years later and she's still someone I keep in contact with but I have to admit, not that well. Those two still know me from my years back in the Inland Empire days.

Honestly, I only have one friend from college that I keep in really good contact with, Alain. Though he is a few years younger than I am, he is one of my closest friends I do have. There are not many people that I would do a lot for them and Alain is one of those people in my life, one of my gems, that I do treasure a lot.

I look back at my college years. My first year at UC Irvine, I had my own thing to do, my own schedule, mostly dictated by classes and sorority duties. My roommate that year was a childhood friend whose mom and Ma were close friends from church. We and Nina, my rommate, had the same babysitter in our infant and toddler years but spent most of our formulative years in different coasts (Nina was an Air Force brat which meant she was shuffled from place to place to place). Nina and I befriended Marilyn who lived next door to us in our suite. She was from Fresno and I remembered Marilyn's mother being a little too boastful and big for her britches. Sunny and Brian came into the picture since these two guys were roommates. They did not know each other before. I do remember Brian walking on our floor to the our suite area and poking his head around, Sunny in tow, trying to make friends. I don't remember how Lynn came into the picture but she was in our three floor dorm complex and we were a gnarly bunch. The Funky Bunch. Yet, from day one of freshman orientation, I was out there trying to get a bid from a sorority which I did after a bit of effort. The rest got to know each other by hanging out, going to classes together and eating together and eventually going to Kaba meetings. I would join them on occasion when schedule permitted. It got to the point where Nina and Marilyn would crash in Sunny and Brian's room every so often after staying up late and studying and doing whatever they did. Lynn was there too to stave off the lonliness of missing her boyfriend. As the school year progressed, the Bunch got more involved in Kaba while I was juggling a full schedule and sisterhood duties. I have to tell you the truth, I wasn't all that intersted in getting involved with a bunch of other Filipino American students. In fact, a few club members called me "coconut" my first year, brown on the outside and white on the inside. Eventually, they were this tight mass of folks that at times I wished I would have developed my friendship more but I know that I was meant to do other things and be out there and not be tied down. Besides, if you were to look at the patterns of friendships in my life, the trend was that I would have one set of friends that was competely different from another set of friends and here I am, trying to see if the two would mix but me just intricately balancing myself between both sets. A parallel of me balancing my two identities- Filipino and American.

Rob suddenly got into the orbit of the Funky Bunch mostly beacuse of Kaba. He happened to help Nina with general chem homework and hung out with Brian and Sunny a lot. Once Rob and Nina got together, that was when Nina spent a good load of time with Brian and Sunny and Lynn and Marilyn at Sunny and Brian's end of the woods in their room. It was funny and somewhat convenient that Nina and I didn't have to really fight about room space. She and Rob had the room mostly to themselves. I was out and about doing some sorority activity, swimming laps at the campus pool or at the library studying with my sorority sisters. Rob recruited me last minute for a small part in PCN, Pilipino Cultural Night, and that in intself was my tie to the bunch. I was more loosely affiliated. By the end of freshman year, Nina and I just drifted to our own things. We weren't the tight friends like our mothers were and still are to a point.

The Bunch expanded and subtracted members throughout the years. Some of its core members are long gone. According to one of the bunch that I used to be friends with but lost touch with, Brian and the Bunch had a falling out and is now in Vegas. The Bunch happen to still be in Southern Cali, still in Irvine/ Orange County-ish area, Prime California red country to me. The Bunch is now going through the last of the weddings where Marilyn and Sunny are getting hitched after 14 years together and Rob is the last to get hitched to a nice gal next year. Rob and Nina didn't get married. In fact, Nina is married to someone else and is expecting her first child any moment now. Now the bunch is in children making mode and home buying mode, one of those things that so make me scratch my head.

I guess some folks have their own patchwork of friends to call their own. It doesn't necessarily have to look like the cast of "Friends" or any sit-com/ fictional achetype. What counts are the moments and the effort of keeping those friendships firm and strong and alive. Life does throw us its curb balls and gives us hoops to jump through and swings to catch. But, in many ways, our friends serve as that safety net. Whether it is with the ones you grew up with or went to college with, they are always there for you as the theme song shinily promises.

Animal Soup

2006-09-07T22:01:00.000-07:00

Here's a random jumble of thoughts going through my mind at this moment...

Chino Taqueria on 35th Ave and Balboa...pretty good joint; they still charge for chips which in my eyes is not a sign of a true taqueria; no fancy salsa bar but just good old fashioned burritos with the basics. Went for the Super Burrito which contains meat, rice, beans, cheese (EEEK!), sour cream, guac, and salsa. I say eek to cheese because according to one of my mentors who spent her childhood in Mexico, real burritos don't have cheese in them. I went through that no cheese phase until well, I dunno, I kinda missed it. Defintely a good walk and better than Gordo's down the street.

***

What is it about guys and electronic toys? Does it still go with the adage of he who has the most toys wins? Use some fucking imagination to keep yourself entertained and do include others in your creative genuius. The most classic games and forms of entertainment involve others. I have no need to watch TV on my cell phone. Shoot, I even think TV is stupid and insipid. It's more fun when you have a gaggle of friends around and some good snacks or booze. Of course, one must have their Boob Tube guilty pleasure; mine happens to be "Project Runway" on Bravo and "Two-A-Days" on MTV. Yep, fashion and high school football.

***

Guys who are over 25 and still skateboarding do not deserve to be called men; they are declared idiots.

***

Just because one has stayed in the apartment longer than the other tenents does not mean you take up all the closet storage space.

***

So if New York New York casino in Las Vegas is supposed to be like Manhattan and its four other boroughs (sorry to all those in Bronyx, Brooklyn, Queens and Stanten Island), I want my cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery, a real Jewish deli like Zabars, and bagels that you actually boil. Oh yeah, and serve that coffee in those blue paper cups with the Greek font writing on the cup.

***

Speaking of Manhattan, I wonder if the Shanghai dumpling place serves dumplings like the ones at Joe Shanghai in New York Chinatown? Oh slurp slurp goodness!!! Even thinking about Shanghai style steamed pork dumplings make me high; you know that contact high that you get when you have hot savory liquids flush through your system...

***

I miss my bike tremendously.

***

I saw someone's stash of golf clubs in the apartment hallway. I am reminded of you.

***

I don't know if I'll be going back to Chi-town anytime soon. Reminds me too much of you.

***

I wonder if I'll end up settling down and creating my own zoo of animals with that person's semen anytime soon?

***

I don't know if it's worth having my eggs for sale. If people don't like them, tough shit.

***

I am totally fascinated with the Levi's commericial where the guy and girl walk from opposite ends of the city and meet each other in the middle of traffic all while Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash croon, "I Walk The Line"; I wonder if my guy would do that?

***

On that note, the best snack is always seasonal fruit; I'm just waiting for the apples to come from the farm now and enjoying melons and grapes and the last of stone fruits

From A to B to C- But In Which Direction?

2006-09-07T03:53:00.000-07:00

I always thought life just went linearly. You know- you're born, go to school, graduate from high school, go to college, graduate from college, get a job, fall in love, get married, have children and then rinse and repeat.

Sure these are stops in the destinations in life. Yet there is not exact time table nor route that tells you in which order or sequence these things go into.

Such is the beauty and the frustration in life.

As you know right now, I am in a quandry of what I want to do next. How is it that I can concieve big goals and dreams but when it comes to practical stuff, I fall short?

Wish there was a course on this. If there is a crash course on practicality and living the here and now, sign me up!

Here's a Little Story

2006-09-02T00:55:00.000-07:00

Something entertaining for your Labor Day weekend. Based on a true story.

A few years ago, A met B on a bicycle ride. A was a sweet twenty something gal who finished her first major bike ride that summer and was recently recovering from a serious bicycle accident. B who was a thirty something guy happened to be a former bike racer back in his college days that just recently moved to the Bay Area from the East Coast. A commented to one of her friends that B was pretty cute. A's friend cheerfuly replied, "And he plays for your team!" which meant to A that B was a nice straight lad. He was handsome and whitty but a little distant at times.

A had a few of her friends train for this major bike ride happening in May. One of her friends, C, happened to know B. One time during a Sunday downpour, A called C to see how he was doing and wanted to bitch about the weather. C mentioned during the phone call that he and B were going to go riding but didn't because of the rain and B wanted to find a good restaurant for Filipino food.

A knew that there were very few Filipino restuarants in the City. She knew that the best places to get some home cooking were either at a friend's house where their mother served up a tasty meal or after Sunday Mass in some Catholic church in Daly City or South of Market. She e-mailed B about her suggestions and wondered if he and C want to grab a bite to eat. Well, something else happened on the day that A, B and C were going to go on their Filipino culinary adventure. So A and B rescheduled lunch for the following week. A wondered if C should know too but B just wanted himself and A to have lunch.

So A and B go on a lunch date in some hole in the wall Filipino place near Union Square. They then went for ice cream and they walked towards the building where B worked. Out of the blue, B kissed A goodbye on the lips and went in. A stood there for a minute, baffled, and literally skipped down the street to wait for the 14 Mission bus yelling, "Wheeeeee!" on top of her lungs. She really liked B.

However, she was paralyzed with fear. She had just come off a really bad breakup around the time of her bike accident and was pretty shaken up by that. She wasn't sure if B was the type of person to be around and trustworthy. It so happens that B had some issues of his own where he had come off a real bad breakup too where his girlfriend literally walked out on him some time ago when he moved to the West Coast. A and B just decided to just take things as they were and both of them vocalized their fears. B was very supportive of A in her dreams and endeavors and was very encouraging, a refreshing change from her nagging parents who thought and still think, she is crazy.

A and B just figured to be friends even though B still kissed her on the lips from time to time. A was just totally mad about B even though B had odd ideas. One time, B bleached his hair totally blonde which really conflicted with his olive skin tone. Actually before B did this crazy thing, A asked her hairstylist about bleaching her hair since she had the same hair and skin tone as B. A's hairstylist said that A would look like a whore if she did that. So when B did the bleach job, it just didn't look too great on him. B and A had their moments on the bike ride. At one time, A got really sick and B was there to be by her side.

Even though A really liked B, she wanted to make the best of their friendship. However, B was the type of person not to really reveal too much of themselves. B would tell A about his childhood and growing up in the East Coast and in Asia during the summers. B was really supportive of A going for her dreams and constantly asked her about it. A was someone not too shy about revealing things. However, their friendship changed when B and A were laid off around the same time. B was angry at A for just going off to visit her family during a time when her family needed extra support. A was angry at B for not understanding that her family was important even though they did not get along. It wasn't until later that A's friends who knew B told her that B was not worth keeping around. They warned her but she was totally mad about B. I wouldn't say in love but more obsessed. Even today, A admits to that and wonder what she saw in B.

Well, time passed. Things changed. A and B didn't really talk any more. B was dating a new gal D and A was busy with work. When A found out B was dating D from her friend E, she was pretty upset. She was even more upset when she saw D partcipating in the same bike ride as A. To make matters worse, B was with D helping her out. E was trying to tell A that B was not a good guy for her. She got mad at E for saying that. By then, A and B were not really speaking to each other. Some things had transpired that just made B not want to talk to A anymore.

Just recently, A found out that B and D got married. In retrospect, she knew that her and B would not be a couple that would last. A found out a lot of things about B that she really didn't like and realized that they would not make a great couple. Maybe her attraction to B was based on the fact that he was supportive of some of her dreams. Yet, at the same time, he was very closed off to a lot of people. One of A's friends even commented that B kept his cards very close to his chest. A knew that B had a difficult time growing up and wasn't too close with his family and was a fairly odd fellow.

A wishes B and D much happiness. In her own mind, A would never thought B would be the type to marry. She even doubted that she and B would even marry. Much the less, A still wonders why to this day she ever fell for B even though he wasn't right for her all along.

And still to this day, A's first kiss from B is something that still makes her skip and yell, "Wheeeeee!" on top of her lungs.

Run Run Run

2006-08-27T07:06:00.000-07:00

For the first time in about two months, I got up this morning and went for a run in the park. Felt a little icky and somewhat dehydrated. I did have two full drinks last night at Joe's party but found myself sampling drinks at Crave with Ina, Joffer, Richard, Joe and Alex. So a mix of red wine, Fat Tire beer, a sip of rum and Coke (Richard claimed that Joffer put waaaaay to much rum), a sip of a Manhattan (it has some whisky in it), and Joffer's yummy vodka martini just did it for me. Richard wanted me to have another drink but by that time, I would have been acting silly and talking about sex and swearing every 5th word. I do that when I'm even sober but not that often.

Running does bring up some issues and a tad bit of pain. I'm not talking about the physical type of pain but the emotional. Running is my release, my stress reliever. I usually feel better after a run but today after I came back home, I felt a little sad, a bit confussed. I'm not sure what is next in the whole scheme of things in terms of work and relationships and whatnot. I'm finding myself more of the person who wants their independence and doesn't really want to be tied down with family and children. I know that sounds radical in some people's eyes but here where I am in the City, it's perfectly normal. Some of my peers who do spend that time in the City just think it's something to do when they are a kid and grow up when they marry and move to the burbs. I know on occasion, I would rant about being stuck in the burbs akin to being in Siberia or prison. Some people think I haven't found the right person yet but I do love my independence. Maybe because it wasn't something I had in the beginning and not because it's heady and cool. Perhaps this is what it's supposed to be and restricting it would only make it worse.

Running at times does remind me of my ex because he was a runner as well. He wasn't as hard core as I was but he had his share of hard core running in high school. At times, I do miss him but lately I've been questioning why I miss him. Is it because I miss his friendship, having great sex with him and whatnot? Or is it because I feel left out because there are folks pairing off in twos and playing house. I do miss is his friendship and great sex I will admit. And I do feel left out at times by not being paired. But being paired isn't a major priority at this time. I just want to focus on me and be the best person I can. Maybe in time, adding someone else might come in.

Gaps

2006-08-25T14:08:00.000-07:00

Each of us have our own set of gaps to maneuver life through- gender, race, age, generation, teeth. I say teeth because I think of that gap between Condelizza Rice's teeth everytime she opens her mouth to wax about foreign policy but I just put that in as a joke.

But seriously, there are times I ponder about gaps. I certainly have my share. Of course there's the generation gap which has grown both ways. Of course I have this generation gap between me and my folks. However, mine is probably shaped a little differently from me and my peers in which that I am a first generation Filipino American. Unlike most immigrants, my family catipulted into the professional white middle class once they stepped foot off the plane. It wasn't like they stayed in some place like Daly City or Cerritos or the Silverlake District or parts of San Diego and clustered with other Filipinos then went off to the burbs. My folks were one of the first, the first ones to take advatange of no immirgration quotas after 1965. The number of Asians that could come into this country was only a trickle until then. My folks and I just wonder and are just puzzled with what goes on with our experiences and what each of us does and how each of us ticks. But instead of fighting it like the last many or so years, we've come to the point where each of us shrugs and just says, "Whatever." not dismissively but just a way to acknowledge that's just the way it is.

The generation gap is growning the other way for me. There is a difference in generations between me and my younger brother, Ed. I'm the tail end of Gen X. He's the head of Gen Y. Then there are my cousins A.J. and Justin who are in whatever generation marketeers and demographers denote these teens these days. A.J. and Justin and even folks Ed's age are so into MySpace to keep up and revolve their lives around. Me, I just know it's another thing to use to get messages out to young folks and teens. My cousin and brother practically grew up knowing about AIDS and taking for granted that you use protection when you have sex. My generation was just getting hold of this info. I used to like hip hop until it got really misgonystic for me where it's usual for a guy to be a playa and have and screw as many gals as he can while his gals are nothing but boobie and bootie ornaments, arm candy. Shit what happened to real issues and what is going on in the streets, the original message and purpose of rap and hip hop. Well, remember, sex and blood sells and brings in the cash, not heart felt messages and stories of bopping at your friend's house and having dinner where the chicken taste like wood.

That is where I feel the frustration. The type where you want to do something but you don't know what and you feel helpless. I felt that as I watched some ABC Primetime special about AIDS in the African American community. We hear about AIDS overseas and the global crisis. But what about here? How do you address those cases where half of the newly infected are brothers and sisters? What can I do to help? What more can I do to help? Why can't I just put my priorities straight.

Ranting about the gender gap is another story. I'm actually tired of ranting and want to get my frustration out so off I go.

Little Things

2006-08-23T03:38:00.000-07:00

A cake donut with sweet white frosting
Dusted in colored sprinkles
Yellow, green, orange
A splash of pink
I bite into it
Yum yum

A shiny new quarter
A stop at the corner store
Do we need bread, milk, eggs?
You lead me over
To my newest challenge
Letting the quarter slip
As I maneuver a yellow sphere
Chomping up dots and avoiding colored ghosts
Through a maze

Like clockwork on Sundays
Sometime in the afternoon
You are in the driveway
Soapy sponge
Caressing the red exterior
You hose down the dirt and the smut
From miles of driving
From one home to the next
Your contribution before I go
To another week of classes

Now I sit across you
Between a tray
Of fries and double burgers
That only I consume
You watch me
Like you did
When I was young
Enjoying that donut
The joy in my face

It is those small bits
That show your love
That I try to recapture
In frozen juice cans from Safeway
In ginger ale and fruit salad
In a mix of slow jams on your computer
In an old beaten sweatshirt
In a gleaming toaster oven
In a book I read over and over again
In a spaghetti dinner at a local bistro
In burritos from the taqueria
In homemade snickerdoodles
In waking up in the wee hours of the morning
To drive me across the bridge to catch my flight
In staying up in the wee hours of the night
To welcome me home from long trips
In phone calls from the middle of nowhere
Where you want comfort and peace in a storm
In our laughter and sharing
Opening up like flowers in the spring
You always say that you love me
Punctuating your sentiments with a nickname from your mother tongue
You always say that you love me
Punctuating your sentiments with your chin on top of my head
Holding me
Saying nothing

In The Wee Small Hours of the Morning

2006-08-20T06:15:00.000-07:00

I really haven't been able to sleep in the past month or so. I always find myself sleeping most of the day and spending most of the night watching mindless television. Today I just totally conked out all day and woke up really late.

I would find myself surfing the web or looking at mindless infomercials. What has been keeping me up is just the restlessnss of what to do next, wondering how bills are getting paid and a lot of other angst and stress keeping me up. Since I slept quite a bit yesterday, I decided to just stay up and just go to Mass and then head off to Mark and Marc's pool party later on. I figured that a gaggle of us from MHR will end up going.

I just I could be OK with the way I am and the way things are. But why is there a part of me that still struggles and wishes for me to do so well so that I can get that approval.

Who am I still trying to get that stamp of approval from? Shit I wish I knew.

Here In This House

2006-08-18T04:31:00.000-07:00

The title of this post was a title of an old Depeche Mode song that I listened to during adolescence.

I went to bed rather early last night and ended up waking up in the middle of the night. At least it was much better than the last few weeks where I would stay up to the wee hours of the morning at times to watch mindless television.

What woke me up was all of a sudden, I was thinking about the structure of the house I grew up in, the one on Hackney Street in Highland not the one on Osubun Road in San Bernardino, the first house I was born into. I think about how I had to share a room with my adolescent aunt who went to Redlands High School, my alma mater. That arrangement was only for a year or so. Then I remembered my bedroom during my adolescent years. I moved out of my original room when Ma and Pop added an extension to the house. The structure on how I would get out and have to go through their room to the main hallway to get out of the house. Where I had another way out through the sunroom to the outside but the doors were structured where you just couldn't really sneak out. It was odd. My only true independence was sleeping in the sofa bed in the den where the computer was where I spent a good portion of junior and senior year typing papers, studying and playing my clarinet and alto sax.

Because I am the girl, I had to be protected, to be courted. Not to speak out, not to shout. To be quiet and ladylike. To say nothing. Yet, I had to say something. I wanted to say something. I wanted to speak out, to be counted. But no no no, I had to blend in to move up. To give up the thick Filipino accent you came with. To have some American values mixed in with some good old Filipino traditions. Yet, language was the first to go. I do not remember being spoken to or even speaking Ilocano or Tagalog. You told me that I had to learn English the day I stepped into elementary school because teachers said I was falling behind. I don't remember those things, my language, myself before age 5. The memories of Osbun Road are not even there. I do remember Mary and Kit Lawrence next door. I remember the beige Toyota coopster we would zip around with. I remembered Masses at St. Anne's close by. I remembered the fabric store Bits and Pieces where I would play with spools and fabric scraps. I remembred the laundry mat where we would go on rainy days to dry clothes because you liked the old school clothesline to hang out the laundry to dry. I remembred Hillside nursery school where I attended with Stone and Warm Springs preschool where I was with Stone as well. Stone and I were the same age. I was exactly one year older. Our fathers fished together and our mothers were friends. Why can't I remember the dialogue or what was said. Why is it all a blur like my first visit to the Motherland?

Now why is the house with its five cars and many bedrooms, where the kitchen wall is now gone, where the interiors are stark white and where the three of you go to your separate rooms in the house, turn on the television full blast and draw the blinds where no one could see....why is it the empty shell? Why isn't it home for me now?

Life's Next Chapter: Major Capital Campaigns

2006-07-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

In the next few days, I'm moving. Luckily, it's just one flight down and I'm in the same neighborhood. It's a boon for me because the room I'm getting is a little sunnier. Yes, I will miss my view of the Golden Gate Bridge and St. Ignatius Cathedral when I want to journal in the living room but the good thing is that now I don't have to hear my upstairs neighbor have major sex more often than rabbits.

So as part of me sorts out the rest of my stuff and cleans out the apartment- my three other roommates have slowly vacated the premises in the last few months- I look at what more do I need to discard and get rid of. A huge pile of laundry is staring me down big time. I look at the mirror and my hair is at some odd length and texture from trying to grow out of its short stage. And somehow, my usual hipster look is not really fitting me anymore.

Maybe because I'm breaking away from the ugly wage per hour kind of deal that I had in my time in retail. Maybe it's because now I really want to grow up and go after my things to do with policy and politics and other things. I sense a shift of wanting to grow but afraid to let go of the major things and feeling that, well, if I throw out a lot of major things, there will be nothing to replace it. That starting out of nothing feeling and finding yourself you can't really grow because of limited income and other things. I seriously want to get out of that feeling and just let myself grow into the things slowly. Like letting my faith grow in adult way, letting my kid side and adult side not be at war with each other, let my Asian identity evolve into something that I like and truly deserve, and actually start living like a human "being" instead of a human "doing"- trying to achieve so that I would get some sort of acceptance.

This month has not been the best of months but in a way, it has been good for me to really keep to myself and let myself think and grow. I have been sleeping a lot and eating wierd but maybe it's that kind of "winter" hibernation and the breaking down of the larvae in the coccon feeling that I needed to experience to come to some of these conclusions. That hipster me is no longer needed, don't really need too many shirts to really say who I really am, and well, maybe, just maybe, the hoodie can say "bye bye". The hard part is seeing what my look and life can evolve into but maybe I should just take in the words from a song from the musical, "Godspell" and just take it "day by day".

Zha Zha Zoolander

2006-07-27T21:02:00.000-07:00

I was browsing in a few blogs that I read regularly. I found out that someone I knew from college found a real slick and cute way to propose to his girlfriend. As I read this little vingette, part of me wasn't surprised. He was the type to be hella cutsie and romantic and kind of pull it off in a big way. After all, he did date my roommate during my freshman year of college. More bluntly put, he practically camped out in our dorm when he did have his own apartment with roommates off campus. People wondered if I got really busy with sorority stuff because I was never around. That was partially true. The other part was that the two of them would be doing whatever they do the whole time.

So he's the last of the folks I knew from my freshman year of college to get married and jump the broom. From that little clique, there is one FINALLY tying the knot after being together for practically half their lives- they met freshman year of college, got engaged the beginning of the millenium and now getting married this fall. The whole idea of coupling and domesticity has eluded me. I'm not feeling really left out right now. I'm kind of liking the idea of in some of my friends, being the last of the singles. Most of my other friends have yet to reach that form of domesticity or not even strive for it.

I honestly have a practical, no-emotions, bone in my body. No, I'm not one of those folks who are non-feeling. I am quite the opposite. I cry at the drop of a hat and get really sensitive. It's just that I really don't like crying in public and find myself profusely apologizing after a spill of tears. As I hear tales like the one I hear about people proposing and falling in love, honestly, part of me just wants to roll my eyeballs and just say, "Please!" in my most sarcastic tone of voice. Yeah, I guess I have gotten to be quite cynical to love. Maybe it's because it's not on my priority list. I value my friends and getting work done first. The frilly stuff...ick!

Hot as July

2006-07-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

I borrowed the title of this post from an old Stevie Wonder album.

I'm glad July is almost over. July has not been one of my favorite months for a long time. Perhaps because so much drama occurs in July the past few years. My grandmother died in July 2002 and Ma and I were in a real terrible row at that time. A few of my relationships only lasted during the month of July. Usually July signals a time for a move, a change in residence or address or roommates or both.

I was talking to a friend tonight at a going away party for someone that perhaps all the stress and craziness of the past few months is now manifesting itself. I have to admit, I haven't been much of the social bee or whatnot. I've been mostly keeping things to myself. Well, being broke is a factor in this. I have yet to be paid for my consulting gigs. I haven't really been wanting to go out and about these days. Ugh! I just want this whole month to be done and over with.

Yeah, the depression blues have struck again. Still restless, having a hard time sleeping, at least eating some sense of regular meals and taking meds. One thing I found myself doing tonight as I was waiting for the bus was naturally listing the things that I am grateful for. One of the nurse practitioners at Kaiser who led the Overcoming Depression classes I took earlier this year said one method of getting out of your blahs and blues even for a moment is listing the things you are grateful for. For now, mine are the most mundane but if I think about it, I truly am grateful for food in the fridge, a place to stay in a good city, a gaggle of friends, and a family that loves me even though they think I'm wierd at times.

I guess once things gain some sort of momentum, it will be all ok. Things could be worse as I muse. But I'm trying my best to not dwell into the stuff that keeps me in that hole. Easier said than done right.

Nick did one great thing for me the other day. He brought over a homemade peach pie. Honestly, that seriously made my day and my week.

Twenty Somethings vs Thirty Somethings

2006-07-10T22:26:00.000-07:00

When I was in my twenties, I asked a co-worker who was in her forties if she wanted to be young again. She said no with not much thought into it.

I thought she was crazy. I thought once you got old, you're over the hill.

Then again, I proved to a friend of mine before my 25th birthday that turning 25 wasn't the beginning of the end. About a month after my 25th birthday, I ran my first marathon and told her that her theory of when one turns 25, their life goes downhill was "bullshit".

I've been reflective about my life now as a thirty something. Back then, when you're twenty something, you're devoting your energy that you're an adult, that you can play with the big boys and girls. Sometimes there is some dazzle and awe of twenty somethings running companies and being major public officials and wunderkids.

Then again, wunderkids grow up and then what?

When you're a twenty something, your focus is that destination, that golden ring, that yellow jersey. Lately, I've been more focused on the ride, the scenery, the journey, the people I met, the experiences I have.

Cin and I agree that getting married in your thirties and having kids in your thirties is ideal. At least you have some sense of yourself and what you want and need. You pretty much have gone through most of the crazy finding your niche and identity stage. I know that shifts as time goes on and you have come to realize certain things aren't as great as you thought they were.

Whoever did the Harvard Med School study warning women that their lives go downhill if they don't marry by age 30 is full of shit.

Foodie

2006-07-09T22:37:00.000-07:00

Don't get me wrong but I think I've turned into a major foodie.

One thing that I have observed is that when living in the Bay Area, especially San Francisco, you are surrounded by so many microclimates and so many different varieties of food. With me getting on my bike and witnessing different areas where food is grown and raised- from oysters from Tomales Bay to milk at Strauss Farm Creamery in Marshall (home of the infamous Marshall Wall) to the wiff of strawberries while cycling through Santa Maria and Watsonville- I have become more aware and concious of where my food comes from.

Many of you know that I totally love shopping and spending time at Farmer's Markets. With my schedule now coming up with the campaign and other crazy life changes, I decided in this mish mash of change that I would do a subscription box to Eatwell Farms. Eatwell Farms is located in Davis (yes, home of UC Davis where my friend Jenn is going to law school) and they are one of the major folks who are at the Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market. Their claim to fame is tomatoes and lavender and sunflowers. I also go to them for butternut squash and sweet potatoes and pumpkins. The box is bi-weekly (you can also get it once a week as well but that is more for one person). I was going to subscribe to them last summer but with all the crazy upheaval from my life, I wasn't able to do so. Now I'm glad I waited because I got a sweet pick-up location in my neighborhood in the Outer Richmond (the pickup place is in the Inner Richmond but at least it's close) and eggs are going to be in my basket. One of the folks at Eatwell Farms is breeding chickens and they are laying really wonderful farm fresh eggs. I have totally become addicted to fancy eggs. It's because I always want the best for folks and my body as well. People do bend over backwards to put premium gasoline in their cars. Why can't they do that for their bodies. Besides, I do want to get back in shape in have some good fuel in my system.

I hosted a brunch with Cin today. It was nice of us to hang out and talk and have a simple breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast. Originally it was going to be a fancy omlet, ensaymana (fancy Filipino cheese bread) and bacon and peaches with creme fraiche for dessert. However, the dough of the cheese bread didn't come out just how I would wanted it to be. First of all, the first time I tried it, it didn't rise. Second, the bowl broke when I tried to move the mass of dough from my rising contraption in the kitchen to a sunny patch in the dining room. I gave up and decided to put the oven on low heat and it was rising nicely. However, I just let it go a little too long since Cin already arrived and it was just some gooey mess that has just deflated. Oh well. So much for that. I do have some butter and some good cheese ready. Now all I need to wait for are eggs.

I splurged and bought the San Franciso Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market Cookbook that came out this spring. I got a chance to have the authors sign it. It has been a fun read, talking about the seasonal produce and finding the amazing stories behind the vendors that grow my food. I really get excited about little things like these.

Having Cin over for brunch makes me want to go and entertain more. I figured that I love cooking as my hobby and passion. However, it's one of those things that I would not want it to become a drive for income, sole source of income that is. Joffer's dinner party last night inspired me to put one on in the future. Maybe a little Christmas/ holiday gathering would be fine. I figured that would be managable because I would be able to focus and entertain since the next few months will be all about campaign, campaign, campaign.

Bsck to the me that I always loved and dreamed of. Or maybe, hello to a new me that I thought I could never achieve until now.

Camp Full of Grace

2006-07-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

Nothing like a retreat to the great wide open outdoors to just renew your spirits and think about things.

Just came back from a four day camping trip with some MHR friends. It was a chance for us to click and bond and have fun and relax. I really enjoyed it and it was the first time that I had a real fourth of July weekend in a long, long time.

But now here I am, back home in the City. Amid messiness and stuff. Wondering where things are going to land next. Lots of doubt and wondering and questioning. Why is it still there, haunting and hanging around. Bike in the shop. A little tired. Fridge looking a little empty. When does it all fill up and you will feel OK? Can I get a good night sleep or stop stressing? How and when will it all come together.

Birthday Pie

2006-06-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

For Alain's birthday, I made him a homemade apple pie. I was originally supposed to make an apple pie for Fi before I left for AIDS/ LifeCycle but things got busy. Luckily the apples were still fresh when I peeled them and prepped them for Alain's pie.

I ended up putting my four hearts in the center cutout to let the steam out. That is becoming my signature on all my pies now. It sounds so cliche and trite but it shows that I did made it with love.

I ended up hand carrying the pie onto the plane into my ALC bright orange cinche sack. Just trying to balance my luggage, my messenger bag and a pie on the subway was quite comical.

Dave was totally amazed at the pie. I told him to get some vanilla ice cream. The following night, Dave brought Alain over to his place which is where I stayed. Once Alain and Dave stepped into the doorway, Dave instructed Alain to close his eyes. I came out pie in hand, a tea light on top of the pie. As I sang "Happy Birthday" in Tagalog, Alain opened his eyes and was totally suprised and literally speechless and in tears. To have your best friend totally surprise you and fly out there to be there for your special day.

We ended up eating pie andtalking until 2am. Alain and I only got a few hours of sleep before we snuck out to Bryant Park to see Prince peform for "Good Morning America". He only did two songs, one of them being, "Let's Go Crazy" from his Purple Rain days. Alain joked that Prince wouldn't perform any of his Purple Rain stuff that made him famous back in the days. He did and I won that little bet.

Nothing like pie to really make one's day.

Little Bear

2006-06-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

I happened to come across
A picture of you
I wonder what the age of the photo is
If it is recent or not

You have changed
Though your skin is still the color of toffee
Warm brown eyes complementing
The easy going smile
Made from Midwestern kindness
You are rounder this time

I wonder if the extra weight is due to happiness in your life
Maybe celebrating good times and fun
Cal games and poker nights
Or is it insulation
Extra packing so that no one can see
The heart that still has cracks from that November day
When I confessed I was unfaithful
With those words, shattering the trust in your heart for me

Or has the stress of life caught up to you
Where your only solace is food and beer
I am concerned that work is treating you hard
You always complained of the drama and the trauma
That would be the script for future Dilbert comics
I am concerned that your family is on your back
Expectations from the Motherland, her seven thousand plus islands
All screaming for a continuation on the dream
To make ang amerikang anak to mga amerikang anak
Doesn't matter if they are anak na babae or anak na lalake
She just wants more
More more more

Are you happy
Or are you sad
Please tell me
Like you would confess to me before
Just give me a moment
Another snippet of time
Where you can rest your chin on top of my hair
Now longer, no longer the pixie bob you remember
And where I can rest my arms around your waist
Though bigger than I remember
Perhaps the extra girth
Is a little more of you
For me to love
That has yet to be touched

SMKJDC

Wishing For No Drama

2006-06-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Lately, things have been pretty good. Now finally getting in the swing of things on the campaign and making myself feel useful. Found a sweet deal on ollieberries from Yerena Farms over at the Farmer's Market and got a few books I wanted on sale at A Clean Well Lighted Place For Books, one of my favorite indy bookstores in the City. Sadly, it is closing up shop after 30 something years. I will truly miss this little hamlet where I would go to either before or after stuff happening at Planned Parenthood which was close by. I also bought my Christmas cards there for a number of years.

The last few days brought a dallop of drama. And it happened to occur on Gay Pride on Sunday. Alain and I are in this odd space that my dud date happened to put us in. Turns out that dud date e-mailed Alain all the details about our coffee outing on Thursday. The tone of the e-mail being, "Why is your friend so mean?" I had to tell Alain my side of the story, telling him that I was angry at dud date for not being up front with me of him saying that he had a girlfriend. If he were to preface that, I would be willing to be friends with him. Just to lead me on and think that there might be a little flirtatious space is just wrong. At least I got a good look and a cute bustier out of the deal. I figured that maybe Alain and I will just let it cool its heels. Seems like it's going to be a busy summer for both of us. Alain is literally bounced around the country the next few weeks working hard on his study while I am setting up shop and getting money raised for my candidate. I know right now I should be writing an e-mail for an ask but I am totally drawing a blank. I had my text down pat when I was running. Shoot.

I went for yoga last night. First time in a long time that I took it with Tony. Before taking his class, I was thinking of going back hard core into Bikhram, even though that was what got me in shape and burnt me out in the first place. Taking Tony's Iyengar classes, the style that I was first taught, was a good refreshing thing. Just putting little things together and different poses. We ended up going for drinks and chatting afterwards. Well, Tony drank beer while I had a cranberry and orange juice.

I'm feeling really good about a lot of things lately. I'm doing my best to be mindful and not get too carried away with a lot of things, keeping myself grounded and not trying to freak out too much and being really good to myself as well. All I have to do is keep that up and I think all will be fine.

Home Sweet Home

2006-06-23T22:53:00.000-07:00

It's nice to be back in the City once again. For the first half of June, I have been out and about- one week on AIDS/ LifeCycle and almost a week in NYC.

As always, I had a great time on ALC 5. It was great to be back after not being there last year. I felt like this was where I needed to be when I went into my tent after a long and rather crazy Day 1. Being sweep was extremely tiring but all in all fulfilling. Towards the end, I really didn't have the heart nor energy to put myself through it so I took some time off and didn't sweep for a few days.

It seems like the last few times and days, my body and self has been reminding me to be very kind to me. Not to beat myself up. Something that I am guilty of doing quite often. It was great to be surrounded by friends and others when things were going pretty bad.

My time in NYC helped me get back my center. It was great to surprise Alain with a homemade apple pie and just going to different places to eat and seeing friends. I took a good number of pictures, just savored the sights of the Union Street Green Market and ran. The days of running really did a wonder on me. I feel a lot better and healthier.

Coming home was really great. The last few days I have spent with friends, started work with a candidate running for Board of Supes, went on a date that ended up being a bust and chilled and did some light housework. I'm really looking forward to the next few months. It will be with its challenges but lots of fun and times for growth.

What I did last week

2006-06-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ready...OKAY

Otter Pops at the Water Stop
Otter Pops at the Water Stop
Otter Pops at the Water Stop
At mile seventy-five

AGAIN

Otter Pops at the Water Stop
Otter Pops at the Water Stop
Otter Pops at the Water Stop
At mile seventy-five

ONCE MORE

Otter Pops at the Water Stop
Otter Pops at the Water Stop
Otter Pops at the Water Stop
At mile seventy-five

WE'RE HERE!!!

Seven days and 585 miles later, some 2,000 people's lives were changed forever. We all took a stand to say, "Not another 25 years of the AIDS pandemic."

Film at 11.

Put the fun back into your life

2006-05-23T01:11:00.000-07:00

These days, a lot of us, myself included, get caught up in either worrying too much about the future or dwelling in the past.

I'm trying to make it a point to live in the present.

I found the best way to do it is to focus on the simple things that make you laugh and smile in your life.

Today happened to be full of them. Here are a few examples-

-Letting the tide wash over my running shoes during my morning run on Baker Beach
-Watching a load of stuffed animals tumble through one of the dryers at the neighborhood laundrymat.
-Catching up with an old friend who happened to come back to work at my workplace for the summer.

These are the moments that make you want to spin around and yell "Wheeeeeeee!" like Lisel von Trapp after she and Rolf shared a kiss in the von Trapp gazebo in "The Sound of Music".

Namaste

2006-05-14T21:39:00.000-07:00

I remember that I would always say this word in thanks and gratitude after a challenging yoga class. It wasn't until today when I realized how thankful I am about my life and myself.

It happened to be at a friend's BBQ over in the Mission/ Potrero Hill area close to SF General. It took about an hour to get over via MUNI and BART and about 20 minutes of walking. Tony greeted me with a huge hug and smile. He pointed to the house rules which you would think at first would be a little strict. But he just wanted everyone to come in, have fun. The first rule and formost was if you see it and want to eat it, drink it, mix it, share it, etc, feel free. People brought an assortment of food and treats. Tony had a grill on the deck and some folks were putting in veggies, kabobs, brats, ribs, chicken legs and breasts on the grill. One of Tony's friends mixed in some tunes in the living room. Someone brought in some chocolate cookies. I eyed the pile of cookies, a can of whipped cream on ice and a tub of strawberries. With a little imagination, I put a dallop of whipped cream on top of a chocolate cookie and topped it with fresh berries. Some people were eyeing my creation with smiles.

A few hours before, I was with friends at Yet Wah for dim sum after church. It was my first social get together with Ina and our guys- Roger, Ariel, Mark, and Joffer. All of us attend the same Mass at Most Holy Redeemer. Joffer and Ariel know each other when they lived in New York City. Ina sings in the choir. I'm a lector and Mark is an accolate (basically a grown up altar server). Roger and Mark know each other from a festival in Vallejo that celebrated the patron saint of the place they grew up in the Philippines. Somehow, we all banded together and hung out. Roger, Mark and Ariel are nicely partnered but now finding a match for Joffer who newly arrived from New York earlier this year. The guys banter amongst themselves in Tagalog while Mark and Roger chat in Chabucano which is a very rough form of Spanish with Tagalog grammar. Funny that I would understand Mark and Roger when they would speak Chabucano. But when the boys chat in Tagalog, I would understand. I have yet to be comfortable to respond but hearing them is a comfort, a balm, a connection. Ina understands Tagalog as well but her speaking skills are a lot more limited than mine.

As I regal into my tale of my day, I realized when I was at Tony's place how thankful I really am. Before then and a lot of this week, I was dwelling in the things that I lacked and wished I had and stressed out over. The things that would keep me up at night and make my stomach queasy. Bills, the growing pile of laundry, lack of time, lack of motivation, wishing I had some money to drop on maybe a loaf of bread or even some milk. Cursing. Kicking myself in the ass for not getting the prayers done for the week. I'm not sure if it was the two beers I had, the chocolate cookies I had or some of the meat from the grill but looking at the blue sky and the sunshine in my former neighborhood, being surrounded by wonderful people in the most wonderful city in the world made me really thankful. And being thankful and giving thanks in what you have been given is the best balm to the ills that you would feel because you lack this and that.

So I sat there and listed and thanked God for the things at that moment: the blue skies, the sunshine, an afternoon off of work, actual work, loving family, great friends, living in San Francisco, healthly legs and heart and mind, the gift of cycling and running, my giving heart, my funny wit that keeps people smiling and giggling, a MUNI fast pass, the desert I concocted, grace and forgiveness for the times I have made mistakes and fell short, my undeniable passion for issues, my understanding of Tagalog and Spanish...I could go on and on but being greatful and thankful just made my blahs subside. I know that people have coaxed me to do this exercise whenever I am in a down and ugly funk. I would stubbornly comply and then feel its effects but until now, would still feel down about what brought me down.

However, today, I walked slowly back othe BART station from Tony's place. Stopped at Cody's after I got off at the Powell station. Grabbed the 38 Geary home from the Stockton and Geary stop. I was thankful to be in my own bed, with a jug of water to flush out my system and a copy of A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. I read a few pages before I napped. But woke up a little later, not feeling stressed out of what I lack, what I don't have, me falta(n), wala na (insert thing) ko...but being greatful and thankful.

So when you have the blahs and feel down, either take a piece of paper or clear your mind and just make a list of what you are thankful for. It doesn't have to be grand or mundane. You can even be thankful of just having another day in your life to fill with love, memories, lessons, etc.

With eyes closed, my hands in prayer position over my heart, I bow my head foward and say to you, "Namaste."

Fancy Milk and Eggs

2006-05-12T23:50:00.000-07:00

Last week, I happened to get groceries at Bi-Rite in my old neighborhood in the Mission. I decided to splurge on Straus Family Farms milk and Marin Sun Farm eggs. Yes, they do cost me a bit more but it is sooo worth the taste.

I heard the spring is the optimal time for hens to lay eggs. After all, they're cooped up all winter in their little pens. Why not go out to the field, bask in the sun, grab some worms and grub and lay eggs with yolks that are the color of sunflowers. I swear they look like liquid gold. And the taste is phenomenal! I made a quiche out of these eggs and they are just great to have. I didn't mind at all paying the $6 a dozen. I sung high praises to the owner. And they are coming out with fresh chickens too to be sold at the stand.

I've had Straus Family Farms milk before. Daniel, Catherine's boyfriend, calls it fancy milk. It comes in an old fashioned bottle and the cream rises to the top. At first, I had a hard time pouring the milk when I first opened it because of the layer of cream. But after a good vigorous shaking of the bottle, the cream dispursed and I had wonderful milk to go with the toffee chocolate chip cookies I indugled in while taking a nice warm bath last week. Ahhh...

I swear, once you know where you food comes from, eating is so much more fun.

brownies

2006-04-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

My original thought was to bring fresh strawberry pie for Ellen and Kathy's going away party tommorrow night. However, as the week progressed, I really didn't have time to sit down and make the crust and get the strawberries. It was only this week where I hit Yerena Farms stand for fresh berries. I will wait until they get to the optimum color and make the pie. I could have gone to Ella Bella's but I have been with Yerena's for years and plus Ella Bella has barely started growing theirs. The strawberry crop is late this year with all the rain.

However, I was toying around with making peanut butter brownies but using Alferi Farm's almond butter with bits of almond brittle. It was an idea that Cindy Alferi has passed along to me awhile back and I decided, "Oh what the heck."

Brownies were a more practical choice because I can put them in my messenger bag with no fuss. I'm cycling a lot more to places now. The number of places are limited because I still don't want to lock up my bike in a public space and go on in and find it gone. Mostly I will have my bike where I can store it indoors or somewhere where I can see it promintely.

Now if only Timbuk2 made a messenger bag that you can tote bake goods in.

Anyways, enough of that- here are some of my brownie notes.

Almond butter- of course I used Alferi's almond butter with almond brittle. Gary, Marie, and Cindy and company have been really great giving me ideas for using nuts and dried fruits in many of my recipies. Cindy is the baker in the group and she and I have traded some recipies in the past. It seems like whenever I look at a recipie, I try to incorporate their products into it.

Butter- Spring Hill Jersey butter with a hint of salt. Spring Hill is a dairy in Petaluma and they have excellent cheeses and butters. I have used their cheese in the past for making a pie. The butter is great! I used it in a couple recipies so far for baking and it has been a hit!

Chocolate- Scharffen Berger 99% cacao. Basically a good unsweetened chocolate. They are locally made in Berkeley and I've had great success with their products.

Flour- King Arthur All Purpose White Flour. Now a lot of pie and pastry books I have read have given high accolades for this flour. It's actually my first time trying it so I'm looking forward to the results.

Before coming home to bake, I was at a houseparty I spoke at for two AIDS/ LifeCycle cyclists. It was a dessert party and lots of yummy desserts to share and eat. I had my sugar fix so I am bouncing off the walls right now. One of the guests brought over a dessert made of flan and chocolate cake layered together. The three of us started talking about baking- me, the person who made the flan and his friend. The friend made breads. We talked about how baking, though at times time consuming, can bring out a creative vibe and artistic part in ourselves. I told the two of them that I liked making my own crust without a food processor. I might change my mind if I have to make pies in bulk but I'll get to that bridge sooner or later.

The brownies are now done and smell just absolutely devine. I'm sure Ellen and Kathy and company will devour them tommorrow night.

W's F.U. to California

2006-04-21T12:47:00.000-07:00

I honestly think Dubya wants us as California to jump in the lake and stay there.

This morning on NPR, I heard a clip that Governer Schwartzengger was going to ask President Bush directly that California needs emergency funds to fix the levees in several areas of the state that have been devistated and could rupture in the next major storm. Just now, I read on sfgate.com that W said "no" to the Governator's request. The Governator, before asking Bush, asked the Secretaries for the Department of the Interior and the Department of Homeland Security for the funds. They said no as well.

I think this is Bush's way of saying that California didn't support him so why should he support California. He figures that after all, California is practically another country and an economic power that he can stomp all over upon. So what if California goes underwater, big deal. Middle America can find other places for good produce and entertainment and other things.

What a dummy.

Shake Rattle and Roll

2006-04-20T09:01:00.000-07:00

This past month or so, I have been taking a keen interest in the 1906 Great Quake and Fire that shook and destroyed most of San Francisco. In taking tours provided by SF City Guides, I got to learn a lot about the fires and what happened around that time. I have one more tour in the 3 part series to take and that's one that is going to be held in the Presidio where a lot of the folks stayed in camps after the quake.

San Francisco once again was on the radar screen of every news outlet throughout the month of April and the week up to the date of the big one, April 18, 1906. I woke up early on Tuesday morning to go to the Centennial Commemoration . MUNI was giving free bus rides that day and on the 38 Owl that is usually packed with folks working in the financial district getting ready for a day in the markets in New York, everyone came on.

We all gathered on the intersection of Market and Kearney. Traffic was blocked off at 4th and Market at the eastern border and Mission Street was open to traffic. We all gathered at Lotta's Fountain which was a fountain built after the quake and the money to make this happen was by Carlotta Crabtree. In 1910, there was a concert at the fountain and by then, there were throngs of earthquake survivors.

There were a good mix of folks from other parts of the Bay as well as San Franciscans. The SFFD demonstrated a ladder that could reach up to 5 stories and it was one of the old time ladders. Mayor Gavin Newsom interviewed a dozen earthquake survivors who were youngesters at the time. One now lives in Los Angeles and the crowd in jest booed (due to the Giants/ Dodger rivalry). Another one at 107 years old still works 2 days a week stocking shelves at Andronicos Market in the Inner Sunset. My favorite one was one that was not technically a suvivor but she called herself, "The Best of the Quake." She told the story about how her parents had to camp out in a tent in Golden Gate Park and the tent was cold at night. She went on to say that the two of them had to cuddle to keep warm and when you cuddle, you make a baby. She was born in that tent nine months later. She was a hoot and kept me in stitches. I couldn't see the stage or the expression on Mayor Newsom's face but I'm sure he took it all in stride.

Then came the tradition of laying a wreath on Lotta's Fountain at 5:12am, the time the earthquake struck. A hush fell over the crowd as church bells rang, the city's disaster alarm system pealed through the air continously and fire engines and police sirens sounded off. From what I learned on the tours, the Earthquake damaged a lot of the City's water supply and cut off the electricity where the fire alarms in the City's firehouses operated on. The Fire Chief at the time who had a master plan of how to get the city mobilized in an event of a major distaster perished the morning of the earthquake and he was the only one with a plan. The earthquake did sizable damage throughout the Bay Area. However, fires started because gas mains were broken and a spark set off the fires that consumed San Francisco for three days. People thought San Francisco was destroyed, never to rise ever again.

But those critics were wrong. People banded together to help each other out. The mayor at the time brought together business and leaders of the community to get the government going and order put into place. The mayor disregarded his Board of Superviors since they weren't much good for anything those days. And San Francisco rose again like the phoenix rising from the ashes. That is why you see the phoenix on the seal of San Francisco. Actually before the earthquake and fire of 1906, San Francisco when it first boomed during the gold rush kept on burning down every so often but it kept on rising from the ashes.

As we sang the song "San Francisco", I looked around and cannot be more proud to call myself a San Francisco resident. The city has gone through so much and in the face of each disaster that could claim the lives and the people of a city, San Francisco has gotten stronger with each setback. There is also an air of community and commraderie that is found in small towns and not often in large cities.

After the ceremonies, I headed over to Cody's Books and listened to a lecture given my Mark Klett and Rebecca Solnit, authors of the book After the Ruins, 1906 and 2006 Rephotographing the San Francisco Eathquake and Fire. I bought a copy of the book and had the authors sign it. Before the lecture, Cody's staff were serving coffee, tea and donuts. And they were nice and warm too!

In one of the photos, Klett was talking about the damage that the quake did at Stanford University down in the Penninsula. He commented that after the quake, a group of geologists got together down there and earthquake science was born. It reminded me when the AIDS pandemic first broke out in the City in 1981 and the community's response to the pandemic which was one of action where people needed to be informed and educated, folks made meals for those who were sick and alone, churches and organizations opened their doors to those who were affected since most of the doors were completely shut on them once people found out about their illness. As I was commenting this to Klett as he signed my book, one of the staffers from Cody's told me about how New York City responded to the pandemic when it first broke out which was one of denial and secrecy. I have to say that we as San Francisco residents have this resilence inside of us and this spirit of community that can't be matched.

I then went home and hopped into bed to go to work later that morning. I am really proud to be a San Franciscan. Now people are waiting when am I turning in my Dodger cap in favor of a Giant's cap. I say "never!"

As I said before, you can take the Pinay out of Los Angeles but you can't take Los Angeles out of a Pinay.

No, seriously, Peeps are crap!

2006-04-18T19:08:00.000-07:00

I think I have developed a love-hate relationship with Peeps. Today at work, there was an open box of Peeps with two pink chicks left. It was lying in the conference room and I snagged one, wondering how they actually tasted like.

It's good but disgustingly sweet. I swear I was bouncing off the walls after I consumed my Peep and had the worst sugar crash a few hours later. It reminded me of the time when Chad, Albert, and I consumed a whole bag of Halloween candy corn and candy pumpkins. I swear we all wanted to hurl after that experience. Now when I see a bag of candy corn or candy pumpkins, it makes me want to run as far as I can.

With Peeps, I don't fear them as much as candy corn or candy pumpkins. But I thin I will only have one Peep once a year.

And how do I eat my Peep? I'll eat the head last. However, before I consume the head, I put the Peep head in my mouth where the Peep head is sticking out and make people laugh.

Peeps...I'll pass...

Mmm...Peeps!!!

2006-04-15T22:32:00.000-07:00

For some people, the indicators of Spring come in many forms. For me, I know it's spring when I see green garlic, strawberries, asparagus, daffodils and sweet pea blossoms at the shelves of the Farmer's Market. For others, it's the bright pastel colors, the arrival of light cotton and linen clothes, Easter eggs and bunnies, and chicks.

For some, it's Peeps.

Peeps are the marshamallow chicks that the Just Born candy company mass produces billions of these little things each year and dot the shelves. The chicks come in yellow, pink, blue, lavender and white as well as they have bunny counterparts. A few years ago, Just Born decided to put Peeps in other seasons and other shapes such as pumpkins, snowmen, hearts and I'm not sure what else.

Peeps are part of the American spring time icons and rituals. Some people have certain ways of eating them and others find delight in putting Peeps through various scientific experiments. Some find ways of entertaining themselves with Peeps. One popular "Peeps" show is Peep fencing where you stick a toothpick into a Peep's beak, have them face off and put them somewhat close together, set the timer and go! The Peeps rock back and forth, the toothpicks looking like they are sword fighting. There is really no winner because either a) one Peep will poke the other Peep and the Peep explodes or b) both Peeps explode.

I don't really like marshmallows so Peeps were not my favorite candies of choice for Easter. However, my friend Craig finds Peeps to be very kitchy. A few years ago, when Craig was the AIDS/ LifeCycle director, for Easter, he gave each of the staff a box of Peeps. A few weeks ago, I stopped by the LifeCycle office and saw that Susan still had her box of Peeps. I would poke fun of her and her Peeps. Around that same time, I was browsing through a Williams-Sonoma catalog, the April edition and lo and behold, I found a kit where you can make homemade marshmallow chicks. The kit included the marhsmallow mix, the molds for the chicks, the colored sugars and even the candy eyes to put on the peeps. I told Susan about this and we decided to e-mail Craig this link since you could only get the kit by ordering it in the catalog or the Internet. Unfortunately, we couldn't find the kit on Williams-Sonoma's website. However, with a trusty Google search, we found a similar Make Your Own Peeps kit from Wham-O (the toy company of yesteryear) and sent Craig the link for that.

Just this morning, I happened to be browsing on NPR's website and I found a story on making a chocolate and marshmallow pie using Peeps. I just had to laugh and sent the link to Susan, Nick and Tilmin. Til had a suggestion that we make this for one of our friends for Orientation Day on AIDS/ LifeCycle. So for kitchiness, Til is going to make this pie for Ken aka Chicken Lady. For those of you that have done any of the AIDS Rides produced by Pallotta Team Works (i.e. California AIDS Ride, D.C. AIDS Ride, Twin Cities AIDS Ride, Texas AIDS Ride, etc) or AIDS/ LifeCycle, Chicken Lady happens to be one of the participants who rides with chickens on her helment, a chicken purse and a basket attached to her bike filled with pastic eggs. On the morning of Day 7 of ALC 3 in Ventura, I awoke to find a plastic egg on my bike seat filled with a special message from Chicken Lady. All my other co-horts found eggs on their seats too filled with special messages.

My ex-boyfriend Joe and I had a running joke regarding Peeps. Every time I would mention them, he would say, "Peeps are crap!" Being the chemical engineering nerd that he is (I say this is jest and kindness) he one time admitted that he was one of those mad scientists that did wierd experiments on Peeps and found its chemical properties. One time, I made him pancit canton for dinner and got a few bottles of San Miguel beer to wash it down. (San Miguel beer is from the Philippines). As a joke, for dessert, I got him a pack of pumpkin shaped Peeps for dessert. He made a face, chuckled and said, "Peeps are crap!" and chased me around the apartment, trying to catch me and tickle me for suggesting it as a dessert.

All and all, the sight of Peeps make me smile and laugh about friends and memories of yesteryear. I think about Craig, Susan, Cadby and the other folks working hard that year to launch AIDS/ LifeCycle. I think about my Joe and our happy times that we had. The smiles and laughter to cut through the cold and gloom and rain, indicating that spring has arrived.

Here Comes The Sun...doo dee doo doo

2006-04-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

Finally there is blue sky and warmth and sunshine in the City!!!

Give me your tired, your poor, your weary...your farmworkers, maintence staff and construction workers...and we'll charge them as felons!!!

2006-04-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

Ok, very long title for my post but sums up my anger for this week. Yes, the Angry Asian Girl is in the house in full effect boiling with rage.

The House of Representatives have passed a bill that would classify undocumented immigrants as felons and slap felony charges on organizations or people that help them.

Why am I having a feeling of deja vu? California's mean spirited Propostion 187 crica 1994 coming back in style as federal policy?

There's so much anger coursing through my veins. Enough where I was shaking my fist at God and cursing "WHY?" I felt ashamed of my country tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of the I sing (not like some contestant on American Idol). What happened to the words engraved on the plaque of the Statue of Liberty, "Give me your tired, your poor, your weary..." welcoming immigrants from all over the place, first from Europe going through Ellis Island. Did all of a sudden, the Statue of Liberty turned up her nose and turned her back on people coming into this country, the land of opportunity, Gold Mountain to the Chinese immigrating to California in the 1800s?

I know for classification sake in the federal system, an alien is someone not from this country. Now calling undocumented immigrants "illegal aliens" conjures up images of people dressed in space suits and green skin speaking some strange language and taking over the world like the ones you see in 1950s B-movies. But calling people that come over here not through the "correct channels" illegal immigrants...shit, that is like slapping someone in the face. Just because they aren't white like whole milk and fair skinned and do not speak perfect American English, you shouldn't demoralize them.

If you have ever traveled down I-5 past San Diego to the border of Mexico, you know that the INS (immigration and naturalization service) has checkpoints. You see the yellow diamond shaped road sign with a silloute of a mother, father and child being holding each others hands and fleeing and it looks like the kid is flying through the air, this sign cautioning people crossing the border and running through the roads. These signs denoting motorists to be careful or that a checkpoint is coming up.

A lot of people, when they think of the word, "illegal alien" they think of folks sneaking through the Mexican border through the stills of the night. Think about it. If you really want to curb immigration, why don't we grill all the passengers coming in from international flights and seeing if they are really just coming for a visit or just letting their visa expire and hoping they won't be caught and sent home. That's another form of an illegal alien. They are breaking the law by extending their stay and living on the edge of not being caught by INS. The undocumented immigrant can come in the form of someone visiting family in the United States and never coming back to their home country. The undocumented immigrant can come in the form of a mail order bride whose spouse got them through a spousal visa but is taken away because she leaves him and can't stand living with him and his boorish habits and ways. The undocumented immgrant comes in the form of a refugee fleeing a war torn country and knows that if he or she goes back to their native land, their lives are in danger.

I don't think most immigrants would look at countries like looking at products in a catalog and say, "Hmmm...let's go to the United States and take their jobs and have kids there that flood the school system and take advantage of their health care system." They did not come to wreak havoc. They came to make a better life for themselves and their children. I mean my parents did that. Yes, they immigrated through legal means but a lot of people will do anything, just about anything to get out of a bad situation in their home country, whether political, economic or personal.

My co-worker Mike told me about a documentary called, "A Day Without A Mexican". It was about if there were not the undocumented immigrants that worked some of the jobs here in the states, the food supply would come to a complete halt, the hotels would not be running, and everything will be really flithy and a lot of children will be really crying and working mothers will have to quit their aspiring careers. The same people who say that illegal immigrants are taking away jobs are the same ones who do not want to work 12-14 hours a day picking produce, cleaning hotel rooms, washing dishes at the five star restaurants or taking care of junior while Mom and Dad go to their high powered jobs to pay for the upscale private pre-school that guarantees your kid will go to Harvard (God forbid any other Ivy League schools is sloppy seconds) or cavort in the Hamptons. These same people that want them to do those menial jobs don't pay for their social security taxes or offer them health care benefits. Just do the work like a mule, forgetting that they are a human being, that they have needs too and a family to take care of whether it is caring for their own children or sending money home to their home country. The scary part is that immigration actually fuels the economy of some countries. For example, people from the Philippines who immigrate to other countries, legally or illegally, send back enough money to the Philippines that it funds almost 10% of the national economy. Since when is human labor all of a sudden a commodity? Should human labor be bottled, sold, and traded on the world market? I can imagine the nightly news saying, "Today on the world market, Filipino Human labor is down 3 1/2 points while Human Labor from the Indian Subconinent is up 5 1/8th points..."

I know I'm digressing a lot and going off on a lot of tangents on this issue. I am angry, confused, puzzled and to an odd point, heartened. Now you might think why would the last emotion come out of me on such a charged issue. I heard on NPR this week, both the national and state news feeds, that teenagers in the Central Valley used text messages and posting on myspace to create buzz about this issue, to take to the streets and protest. I'm sure there are some finding a way to cut class and get out of some borning lecture on the Pythagorean theorem in math class or to watch "Ben Hur" in wolrd history class or to run the mile in P.E. But I think most of the students walking out of class in protest of this bill going through the House and sadly passing are deeply arffected. At least there are some people that have that spirit of change and taking charge in something other than themselves is still there even in this materialistic, myspace generation.

I can go on and on about this issue. At least I got some of the stuff off my chest.

Kimberly Juniors

2006-03-29T21:58:00.000-08:00

Basically, an organization where it trains high school gals to be sorority girls who end up being the ladies who lunch or do the country club/ charity ball circuit.

Kimberly Juniors were Redlands' equivalent to debutant balls and the Junior League.

Honestly, I think would have rather spent Saturday mornings not learning about manners and parlimentary procedure.

And funny how there was nary a gal of color in that organization during my high school years. I bet it's the same now as it was back when it was established in 1913- all nice and lily white.

That is it for the Angry Asian Girl Rap for tonight. *puts on her Hello Kitty face and sticks up her middle finger for effect*

This one day, in band camp...

2006-03-28T22:34:00.000-08:00

I will have to admit one of the highlights of my high school years at Redlands High School was being a member of the Redlands Terrier Marching Band. Yes, I was a band geek. I don't count piano as being my first musical instrument I learned because you can't tote a piano around city streets or a football field. From the day that my second grade teacher Mrs. Winters snuck our class to the bandroom to see her husband conduct the band through a practice, my friend Amy and I vowed that we would be in marching band too. It was also the year that the marching band was going to Japan to compete.

So I first learned flute in fourth grade but my teeth were pretty crooked where it would be hard for me to continue. I continued with clarinet and kept playing it, even through the two years of Catholic school where at first there was NO music program. If there wasn't a music program, that would be so the death of me. Even if I had to play elementary clarinet tunes for two years, at least I still kept that up. I could even remember the first time I donned on the marching band uniform, white shoes, and black shako. Being a band geek was my identity for the years I was in high school. I wasn't ashamed of it. I was kind of glad that a few people from band were in my honors classes. And my band friends totally honored my geeky side and didn't make snide remarks about me hitting the books on the bus during long rides to competitions. I almost took that to the college level and almost enrolled in USC so that I could be part of the famous marching band but remember, at that time, being a doctor was a priority. So the clarinet was packed up.

One fun thing about marching band was band camp. OK, I know some of you folks will start quoting that one line from "American Pie" which happens to be the title of this post. I didn't do anything as gross like the character that quipped that line. But band camp was a fun time. I will admit that my favorite part of band camp was, yes, running laps. Call that the jock in me. Where you first start off marching in formation, then going faster and faster and soon you are jogging to the beat.

As I am getting more and more into myspace (is there a 12 step program for myspace addicts?), I'm becoming connected to friends I knew from high school, friends that were in marching band with me. When I was heading towards a meeting this evening, I was pondering in my head on the bus ride over, "What would my band camp look like?"

Or better yet, can my life and ideas that I have developed in blue San Francisco County (because San Francisco is BOTH a city AND a county in California) could cross over into red San Bernardino County and vice versa? You be the judge of that as I toss out these ideas:

1) Have some of my guy friends that I know are really good at flag twirling in circut parties and such come up with cool dance routines for tall flags?

2) Actually have guys on the color guard unit? I mean there are guys in cheerleading and yes some drum and bugle corps do have all male colorguard units and I bet you they are some members of those all male units that like fish... (think about it people!)

3) OK, if I mentioned the name to Heather Ross to some of my friends and especially those who were fellow band geeks at Redlands High School during my time, all of a sudden, you guys think about "Lolita" or the lines from that one from The Police, "Don't Stand So Close To Me." (Young teacher...the subject...of school girl fantasy...) which ultimately led to the explusion of the band director a few years later. Now, think about it: would the consequences be the same if the band director were a female and the student was male (you know like that one sixth grade teacher fucking her former student and having two of his children)? Or what if the band director and student were of the same sex (male and male, female and female)?

4) Instead of serving Gatorade during band camp, I'll serve them GU2O recovery drink. I mean it's industrial strength Gatorade. Face it, kids do lose a lot of fluids and electrolytes...

5) If I taped the warm-up exerciese of the drumline, put them on an iPod and listen to them on my runs?

6) How about taking competition shows and actually using them for music for a spin class?

7) Keeping a stash of condoms in the Quartermaster room? (Hey. It's a room. Kids get ideas in there. At least make sure they are safe and disease free...)

8) Get some of my fashion savy friends to spiff up the band uniforms? (Hmmm...band uniforms by Prada?)

9) Rig up the speaker system on the bus where when you get close to your destination, the automated voice goes "band attention." (said in drum major voice and have that little ding ding at the end when you pull the cord to signal the driver your stop...OK, get your ass on public transportation one of these days and you'll get it...best done on a bus in an urban city like New York, San Francisco...Los Angeles doesn't count because they have gross buses and nobody takes the bus in Southern Cali...)

10) Just check where that flute or drum stick might have been...

I guess I can cross off band director off the list of possible careers...

NOTE: Former Redlands High School Marching Band members will get most of this. The rest of you will have to get a one day seminar of marchingbandese.

Cheddar Cheese Apple Pie

2006-03-25T22:39:00.000-08:00

OK, I know you are really scratching your head over this one. I know that prime apple season is coming to an end. Even though on a few of my posts I have bitched about wanting spring fruits and veggies to come in, I still had to make this one apple pie before the apple season comes to an end. Surely there are some apples that keep well into the summer months but the sugar content and texture might give way to a mushy pie filling.

Ken Haedrich has this book called Apple Pie Perfect which has, I kid you not, over 100 different apple pie recipies. I call that the Bubba Gump of apple pies. You know, Bubba, the guy from the movie Forest Gump where Forest's army pal Bubba would obsess over shrimp and different ways to prepare it. Well, Haedrich does that with apple pie- coming up with different combinations.

What got me to try out this recipie is a friend of mine. Jeanne has been one of my wonderful woman friends and confidants for the last few years. We met on AIDS/ LifeCycle 2. We decided to spend Fourth of July together in the City (she lives in San Mateo) watching the San Francisco Mime Troop over at Dolores Park on their latest skit poking fun at our current administration. We then headed over to World Sausage to munch on some hot dogs and beer (however, we got imported beer rather than piss water Bud or Coors or Miller Genuine Draft) and got some apple pie from Safeway to finish it off. While we were in Safeway, I asked Jeanne if she liked whipped cream or ice cream on her apple pie. She asked me if I had some real good sharp cheddar cheese to top it off. Sadly, I did not. But I have heard of people that put cheddar cheese on apple pie.

So in honor of Jeanne, I made this pie for her. Like every pie I have made so far, here are my notes and thoughts-

crust: I used Haedrich's recipie for cheddar cheese crust which calls for adding cheddar cheese to a predominately butter based crust. The cheddar cheese and butter I got from Spring Hill Farm dairy out in Petaluma. As I was rushing to my usual stops at the market before closing today, I stopped by the Spring Hill booth and asked the woman if she had any sharp cheddar cheese on hand. Luckily she did and this cheese had some kick. I also got some butter that was made yesterday (I kid you not). There was a little bit of lard in the crust which I replaced for the shortening called for the recipie (because I'm all about good old lard from the carneceria). If there was fresh lard over at Pig Farm over in the East Bay, I totally would have gone there with a bucket and peddaled back with it. I am now really comfortable with using ice water and refrigerating the crust for at least an hour to let it relax and let the flour gluetens set.

filling: apples came from my usual vendor at Hidden Star Orchards. I used pink ladies even though the recipie calls for granny smiths. I just like pink lady apples the best.

To vent the crust, I made some decorative cut outs. I shaped out several hearts.

baking: I tried something new in where I would bake the pie for 40 to 45 minutes at 375 degrees with aluminum foil on the baking sheet. I'm not sure what that does but hopefully the pie comes out great!

Now my biggest beef is sealing the crust. Before I would not roll the dough large enough where I could seal the edges properly. Now that I am confident in how big to roll the crust, it's sealing the pie that's the pain. When I did decorative edges, the edges seem to fall off when I insulated the edges with foil. But I did have some great crust strips in honor of my brother Ed who just loves pie crust. They are wondeful and cheesy, much better than Cheese-Its crackers. Nothing against Cheese-Its but they are kind of vile once you had real cheese. But still, I love Cheese-Its, especially they are good cycling snacks (salts and carbs and calcium; there is real cheese in Cheese-Its- I saw how they were made on the Food Network).

This totally counteracted my lemon pie fiasco. I have yet to write about my foray into the world of icebox pies that I made a week ago when I was in Southern Cali for the Los Angeles Marathon. That will be another entry at another time.

I Heart The City

2006-03-25T22:10:00.000-08:00

As I was schelping home my load of produce from the Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market this afternoon, I was thinking about how wonderful it is for me to live in the City. Yeah, me, the thirty something year old single City gal. I got to think of my closest friends on my long bus ride home on the 38 Geary. We all are living lives that break the conventional go to college, get a job, make over 60K a year, have a spouse, the 2.5 kids, the white picket fence on the suburban house. Those friends that have stuck to that mold are no longer my friends or people I don't really associate with. Granted I may have one or two friends who are married but taking their time with having children and living either in the City or some pretty cool suburbs. OK, this is coming from me, gal is who has major allergic reactions to the burbs but Cin would rather visit me in the City any old day to get out of her digs in Menlo Park. However, she is not even the bored suburban housewife. At least she has a jumpstart career and a good marriage to a great guy.

There are things that make me want to roll my eyes and wonder why the hell I live here. The cost of living for one. Getting around town since I live in the far end of the City further away from downtown and the quickest way I can get there is the 38 Geary. Sure there is the 1 California and 31 Balboa and even the 5 Fulton but they are not as quick or frequent as the 38 Geary. And there are times when I have to transfer buses like when I go to Sunday Mass at Most Holy Redeemer in the Castro. Even getting to City College's main campus is a long assed 45 minute adventure not to mention getting to my old neighborhood in the Mission. Yeah I used to bitch about lack of places that are open late at night for that midnight burrito fix and a good place to get a burrito (Gordo Taqueria just doesn't cut it for me). I loathe getting on public transit (both the underground and the bus) between the hours of 7:30am and 9:00am and again 3:00pm to 5:00pm on weekdays during the school year when the City kids would be going to and from school and being all loud and stuff. I sometimes hate having to wake up earlier than usual to get to one end of town to the other. I don't like mini vans and SUVs plowing through the neighborood thinking they own the road (more of the SUV driver than the mini van drivers). Sometimes I wished there was a Target in the City. There are moments when I do want a car. Sometimes I wish I wasn't in such an isolated bubble in this 49 square mile place I call home. I really think the San Francisco Giants are overrated and it's all about Dodger blue.

However, the pros totally outwiegh the cons of living here. I have my close friends for one who live in different areas of the City. I have my little communities in the places I go and frequent- the Farmer's Market, work, my running club (which I have yet to renew my dues but as soon as I determine my next step, I will have to wait), the people I go to Mass with at Most Holy Redeemer, the young adults I hang out with at St. Dominic's, my old friends who would come and visit and I would show them my favorite gems in the City (both the touristy and non touristy areas), the community markets. The fact that 15 minutes goes by fast when you walk from one place to another because each block presents something different- a park, a cool house with bright primary colors, a commerical strip of stores, a very interesting panhandler with a creative way of begging for change, a woman with a jogger stroller, two guys hand in hand with lattes and the New York Times. It is the variety that I live for and did not get in the burbs.

I now know that I won't leave the City anytime soon. And if I do by chance leave the City by the Bay, I will most likely want to be in an urban area. I have not yet reached the point in my life that I want to trade in City life. Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

More Food Thoughts

2006-03-24T19:45:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm on a food one-track mindset right now. Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in the last few hours and I want something more than just a Luna bar in my stomach which was what I snacked on at work.

Just the other day, I headed over to the Heart of the City Farmer's Market down in Civic Center to get some spring veggies and fruits. Well, one of the vendors had asparagus (but I think he charges waaaaayyy too much) so I got some. I wanted strawberries but the folks at Yereina Farms have yet to make an entrance. According to Chris the market manager, she says they will come in April around the first week. Feh! I have to wait. :p

But I went to Whole Foods later on that day and got a pint. I would rather have Farmer's Market strawberries.

I did get some firehouse Jack cheese and some freshly made butter from Spring Hill Dairy out in Petaluma. I tried the butter in making oatmeal cookies with bittersweet chocolate covered raisins from Alfarei Farms. The cookies turned out excellent!!! I'm bringing some to tommorow's ALC orientation day volunteer captain's meeting. All about site walk throughs...

The other night, I made a meatless stoganoff using Morningstar Farms veggie steak cubes. They are pretty tasty! I'm actually thinking of slowly going on a more veggie diet starting next month. I'm also going to start cycling more and getting a little more active about my health than I have the last few months. Anyways, Spring is here!!! Time to bust out the bikes!!!

Now if only this rain and cold weather will go away...BOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Food Politics

2006-03-23T21:35:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago on the front page of the San Francisco Examiner (yes, I read the Examiner because it's free and I know that their slant is a little towards right on the political spectrum) about Cala and Bell Markets closing in the City.

OK, so you might roll your eyes and wonder what is the big deal about supermarkets closing in San Francsico. Plenty. Cala and Bell Markets, subsidaries of the Ralph's supermarket chain in Southern California, are only in a few neighborhoods in the City, including mine. In some places, it's the only supermarket around. The article highlighted that neighborhoods that would have the most impact if Cala and Bell Markets closed were the Excelsior, Noe Valley and the Haight. With the closing of those markets, people would have to walk a little more than half a mile to get affordable groceries and selection of foods.

I'm somewhat fortunate that I have another grocery store to head down to...the Albertsons on 32nd Avenue and Clement, a good 6 block walk which was the distance I walked to go to Safeway on Church and Market when I lived in the Mission. However, some people do not have the leg power or the patience or the income to go find other alternatives to grocery shopping. I know that during the huge grocery strike where UFCW workers in the Bay Area walked the picket line in solidarity for their fellow UFCW workers in Southern California in Ralph's, Albertsons and Safeway/ Vons stores who were fighting for higher wages and affordable health care, I had to find other alternative places to shop for food because of my strong beliefs of not crossing a picket line. I know my parents thought I was wierd for staying in the car when they went into Albertsons and shopped for groceries but my cousin Darlene totally got it when I ran some grocery errands for her and she told me which stores weren't participating in the strike. It also gave me a chance to look at smaller mom and pop stores and food markets in the neighborhood and even gave me a better reason to go shopping at the Farmer's Market.

Yet, as I was walking home and pondering, the closure of a major grocery chain in the City is a big blow. There are only about three Albertsons supermarkets, a good number of Safeway markets and then the sprinking of Cala and Bell Markets. Then there are a few small independent chains like Cal Mart and Molly Stone's and Trader Joe's and Whole Foods but those are far and few in between and not in the neighborhoods with working class families and seniors. It made me think that even some neighborhoods in urban areas, it is easier and cheaper to buy an arterty clogging hamburger than a pound of fresh delicious apples that are not spoiled. I applaud the City of Oakland for putting in a Farmer's Market in the west side of the City where as it is slowly becoming gentrified, there are still working class African American families there. I mean everyone deserves the right to fresh vegetables and fruit.

No, fruit roll ups and potato chips don't really count.

And maybe if there was equal access to quality fresh produce and food, maybe certain diseases and cancers might not be linked to race and class anymore?

Ah, yes, my ideal world.

Ride Like The Wind

2006-03-13T23:54:00.000-08:00

Tonight, Logo television aired their first episode of "The Ride: A Seven Day Journey To End AIDS". And a lucky gaggle of us got to see the first two episodes of this seven part series at the Castro Theater tonight.

Shelly got a group of us to meet at the Sausage Factory for dinner. I met up with Ellen and Kathy and Zion at the theater. It was great seeing all of us together. Charles joined me for dinner and it was great to see him. I hope one of these days he will have the vacation and time off to do the ride.

Dinner was great fun and laughs. We got to honor Jon who was one of the folks who is being featured in the documentary. And a wonderful surprise was that his boyfriend Craig flew in from Ohio. It literally brought tears to Jon's eyes and it was a wonderful sight. I got to meet Craig a few weeks ago when we had one of our Tuesday Raspberry Rides to Paradise Cafe in Tiburon where we had corn dogs and pretzles galore. It was also great to see old friends and new ones too. Some have even stopped by to say hellos but did not join us for dinner.

The showing inspired Zion to sign up as a roadie. I'm really happy that he is making a great start to his life after a rough few years. He has shown me that it is never too late for growth. Alan was nice enough to give me a ride home in this rain. Ellen commented that this was a family reunion of sorts for me since I was going around being social and saying hello and squealing hugs and kisses from all.

I am happy and every so blessed. This year I will be on the Sweep Team patrolling the road and making sure the cyclists are safe. I cannot ask for anything more.

Shake Your Bon Bon Lemon Pie, Part 2

2006-03-10T22:21:00.000-08:00

Well, pie was out of the oven and literally I think a good portion of the filling spilled over. I have yet to assess the damage of what would make the filling spill. I thought the carved out heart would ventilate a lot of the juices and the steam from the pie.

I figured that I would have a plan B to provide for desert for Ellen and Kathy's dinner. I actually tried one of the lemon slices sticking out of the the pie from the heart. It tasted rather vile. I mean, you really do have to slice the lemons really thin.

OK, just waiting for the cookies to cool and put into the tin for tommorrow. I'll bring the pie as well just in case.

The Shake Your Bon Bon Lemon Pie

2006-03-10T18:28:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am still on my Ricky Martin one track mind.

I was wondering when was the last time I made a pie. Egads! Back in January with the sweet potato pie!

February was kind of a wacky month. OK, I will count the low cal chocolate pudding brownie pie as a pie but I really didn't comment on that one. Maybe because it's not one of those things I consider pie. But anyways...

This pie took a long time to make. One of the things that I had to do with making it was to slice the lemons paper thin. That required me to get my trusty Cutco knife sharpened by Bob Katzenberg, a knife sharpener that sets up shop at the Ferry Plaza Farmer's market on Tuesdays and Saturdays.

My original intent was to make this pie for the premier of The Ride: A Seven Day Journey to End AIDS premiering on Logo this coming Monday, March 13. Shelly was planning to have a get together at her apartment to honor Jon, our friend and cool assed training ride leader and featured on the documentary. Jon and Shelly hail from Ohio. I found a Shaker Lemon Pie recipie where the whole lemon is used and sliced paper thin and marinated in sugar for a good 24 hours at most. Then Shelly changed the plans for the party once we found out that the SF AIDS/ LifeCycle office secured the Castro Theater to show the premier. However, my good friend Ellen and her partner Kathy are in the process of moving. Ellen invited me to have dinner at their place tommorrow a few weeks ago. I said yes and agreed to make a pie.

I have pondered a few versions of the Shaker Lemon Pie recipie and settled on one from Bernard Clayton, Jr.'s book The Complete Book of Pastry Sweet and Savory. This book is a general book on pastry but he puts out suggestions on what kinds of crust would be great. I decided to go with the layered crust which contains both butter and lard. However, it is very time consuming because you have to get the lard and the butter at both room temperature to cream it together and put it back in the fridge for about 30 minutes to solidify (not easy when both the butter and the lard have been in the freezer). Then after the fats solidify, you add your flour and put the fats into the flour and salt mixture and baking powder (nicely sifted of course). The fats are cut up into chunks and tossed in flour mixture. I went back to cutting the fats into the flour until it resembled crumbs. Then added water (about six tablespoons) and lemon juice (ice cold). The crust fit together but it was still a little crumbly. I hesitated to put one more tablespoon of water since I have already exceeded the number of tablespoons. So the dough goes and rest for about a good two hours at least. Then rolling the dough several times and folding it like a letter and even more rest. This time when I rolled it out, there was a good number of cumbs coming out of the dough. I ended up glazing the crust with a bit of water a few times. Therefore there were no more crumbs coming out. The second resting of the dough was at least four hours.

The dough was nice and solid to work with. Took me a bit of work to roll it out but it was nicely done. The lemons were nice and sugary and put it with some eggs and made a wonderful filling. At first, I took out a few teaspoons of the juice so that I could brush it over the pie crust. I carved out a heart so that the pie could vent nicely and make some slits around the heart. The heart was in the center of the topcrust. So topcrust done and pinched. I realized some juice was leaking out so I smeared that on top of the pie, thinking that the egg would give it a nice glow. I also added the juice I took out before adding the eggs to the lemon mixture. Foil around the edges and here I go into the oven.

So as I was taking the foil out of the edges after having it for 15 minutes at 425 degrees, I saw smoke coming out of the oven. The pie leaked!!! Shit! And I burned myself trying to get out the foil from the edges after I lowered the heat. Pie filling is really hot. No wonder they put warnings on the McDonald box of apple pie. The last I checked, the filling was all over the oven floor and leaking onto the kitchen floor. Not good.

Enough crying over spilt pie filling. Hopefully this pie ends up pretty good.

Ricky Martin...Yum, Yum, YUM!

2006-03-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

OK, I hear you all snickering in the background. My flavor of the month is Ricky Martin. Yes, the same guy that told everyone that he is Living La Vida Loca and told everyone to Shake Your Bon Bon.

Before I headed off to a church retreat last weekend, I picked up some books that I had on hold at the library. I browsed in the CD shelf and I happened to stumble upon Ricky Martin's last CD Sound Loaded. This one happened to have the famous or infamous song She Bangs. I only heard a small clip of it during a "Sex and the City" episode where Miranda is training for the New York Marathon and she was doing her treadmill running at Crunch while listening to the song. I say infamous because some of you might have watched the unfortunate episode of American Idol where a few years ago, Cal Berkeley engineering student William Hung did his own interpretation of the song which got the ire of Simon Caldwell. However, instead of buckling to Simon's catty remarks, William had a snazzy comeback that he did his best and that's all that counts. I did run into William Hung at Oakland International Airport last year.

Ricky Martin does have that nice beat on She Bangs. It was so fun that the first time around I had to get up and dance around the room. This is something I rarely do. I probably might end up singing it while running the marathon in a few weeks to the ire or amusement of Alain.

Looking at the CD cover, I can see why my friend Roberto would love to have Ricky Martin as his dream husband to play house with the house he inherited from his father. I would have to say that Ricky Martin has matured and gotten cuter from his Menudo days. OK, those that were kids of the 80s know who Menudo is.

Now I wonder does Ricky like fish or meat?

Take a moment to figure out my last line...it isn't that hard.

You Are What You Eat

2006-02-25T11:32:00.000-08:00

I can't seem to find a quote that I saw on a shirt in Manhattan once when I was visiting there a few years back. It goes something like, "If you are what you eat, then I'm fast, easy and cheap."

That was a throwback to the fast food industry. I didn't have fast food last night but something close to it- consuming too many h'or derves from Costco. Lance and Mike, my neighbors and part of the St. Dominic's Young Adults Group, threw a housewarming party. I came in after work and they had cheese sticks, mini quiches and mini spinach pies, tortilla chips, seven layer dip and booze. I stayed away from the booze and went straight to plain cranberry juice and Gatorade (the only non alcoholic beverages left). I literally gorged too much on the junk food and that coupled with a bag of chips I got from the vending machine last night at work, I woke up feeling gross. Not hangover gross but just about.

One time, I ate a Big Mac combo meal at McDonalds, the first in a long time and literally the next morning, I felt like I had a hangover. I was even riding too that morning and was not a happy camper.

OK, off to the Farmer's Market for some real food.

Fit Daddy-O

2006-02-23T23:52:00.000-08:00

What I have realized with some of my friends who are coupled whether in a marriage or a domestic partnership or whatnot, some of them have packed on the pounds. I came across a photo of a college friend and her college sweetheart who is now her husband. She has always been as skinny as a twig and in college, her husband was on the college crew team and was pretty athletic and fit. Now seeing a photo of them and their two children who are cute as buttons was quite a surprise. Ruby put on some weight but she doesn't look like her skinny self but Em her husband. Holy shit! He totally packed on pounds!!! Makes me a little weary about marriage- instant weight gain!

I'm not trying to be vain here. More in a healthy sense. I have seen dads who are pretty fit and seem like they use exercise to keep the stress and strain under control. Just today, I ran into Tom at Fiona's campaign office and he is totally looking fit as the father of two young ones and a rather stressful job as a political consultant. I remembered Marie's husband Paul, two people I went to Catholic school with- Paul seems to be pretty fit but Marie has packed on mommy weight. I have read in numerous fitness magazines how women tend to stay active and in shape during their maternity months. There has even been testimonials that yoga has helped women in labor and delivery. My cousin Michelle wished she took advantage of Kaiser Permanente's pre-natal yoga classes when she was carrying her son who came into the world at a whopping 10 pounds. I even ran into a former Iyengar yoga classmate who told me that she took pre-natal classes and had a rather easy time delivering her second child. I also look up to Pam, one of the gals in my running club, who totally does not look like a mother of a young toddler. I heard that a few months after she had her son Seth, she trained for a triathalon. And another first time cyclist I met on AIDS/ LifeCycle 3 started training for the ride three months after the birth of her son. So there is this encouragment of keeping active and healthy.

Kids do pick up habits from their parents. I picked up cycling and running because Pop was always fit and putting time on the stationary bike. Whenever there was a park close by any of our family friends having a birthday party, Pop would pack my ten speed bike in the truck and I would do laps around the park. Sometimes Pop would take a spin on my bike too. He had me run around the house and practice jump roping for time during junior olympic times. I was more facinated in participating in sports than my brother Ed was. I want my kids to know that exercise is totally fun.

It's funny because now my friends and peers are worried about cholestrol intake. For me, it's not a worry since I exercise, I find myself being a little more concious of what I eat and make sure I up my whole grain and fresh fruit and veggie intake. I find myself drinking more water and trying to stay away from alcohol and caffine although at times I do need the occasional pop and mug of English Breakfast tea to jolt me up. I'm trying to not drink because it affects my medications.

Another qualification that I want in a partner: someone who isn't a couch potato or slouch. I mean he doesn't necessarily have to ride or run with me but if he has some sort of fitness program where he plays ball with the guys or mountain bikes in the hills or plays golf where he carries his own caddies and walks the green (the only way that I will allow golf as a physical activity) or kick box, that is totally fine with me. One advantage of being a fit parent is that chasing your kids around doesn't really tire you out at all. In fact, they are great for wind sprint intervals so as I found out with playing with my nieces and nephews and godchildren.

MySpace, YourSpace, HisSpace, OurSpace, TheirSpace dot com

2006-02-21T23:31:00.000-08:00

The newest craze on the internet is the social networking website, myspace.com. It is literally like the new crack for the teen population and twenty somethings of the day. Unlike Friendster, it's competitor and predecessor, when you sign up, the first person as you friend is Tom, the President and Founder of myspace.com. So in that case, you're everyone's friend because everyone is Tom's friend. In fact, their tagline is "A Place For Friends."

Even though myspace.com is generating a lot of buzz these days, it's hardly something new. Since I work with college age students and twenty somethings, the conversation in the break room has always been centered around myspace, myspace, myspace. In fact, for the longest time, I avoided myspace like the plague. I have heard of people being fixated on their computer for hours and hours chatting with people on myspace and updating their profiles and posting comments in their friends comment boxes. Case in point, my 15 year old cousin Justin hogs up the dial up phone line by being on myspace all hours of the day and night. I knew I had better things to do than be on myspace.

However, a story on NPR's Talk of the Nation earlier this month had a discussion about myspace. As frivolous as it might be, myspace is the product of a generation of the technology age and the "keep my kid inside the house because the world is an ugly and unsafe place out there" culture. I say that last bit because it is these days, the time of hanging out in the mall after school or going to a friend's house or even playing a game of pick up basketball at the park is going extinct. Parents are working longer hours and kids are doing more and more homework requiring them to be digitally wired to get the latest information to make the best papers and homework assignments to get into good colleges. It's that fear that you don't want your kids to get shot or hurt or kidnapped or all three. However, the genesis of myspace.com has generated the age old fear of being a prey to harm, especially sexual predators.

For one to subscribe to myspace.com, one has to be 14 years old at least. Of course, people can lie about their age (I remembered 14 year olds sneaking into raves and 18 and over dance spaces). On myspace, people can post comments, chat with others, write in their blog. It is akin to the old diary but with a new twist. Private yet you share it with you, your friends, and an exponential growing number of people joining myspace.com. I don't know how myspace.com is doing in terms of policing who is actually 14 or not. But 14 is that prime junior high age, middle school as they would call it these days. The times that you want to create your own nitche and find out who you are and who your friends are. The time when you start to form what you call "your brand identity" which is not necessarily fixed in stone. In the days of corporate mergers and globalization, corporations are forming and updating logos and taglines and advertising strateigies just to keep the stocks up and the CEOs salaries and perks up and flowing. The teen years and the rest of your life is that constant makeover, that merger, that acqusition of things, the streamlining of lifestyles and sometimes friends that are part of those things in our lives.

Myspace.com gives teens a venue to try out new things and new looks. On the program, a caller from Berkeley, California, a dismayed father of a 12 year old who managed to fake her age and get a myspace profile and put a rather rique photo of herself on her profile. Now her parents found out by going into the computer and just happen to look at what their daughter has been seeing online. The parents go ballistic and ground the daughter and you can hear her scream, "I hate you!" to her parents along with other explicatives. I can understand the concern about your daughter being out there yet, why don't you have an honest talk to her about it and making sure that she is responsible instead of policing her. It's all about trust as it boils down to. Recently, there have been a number of incidents where young women have ran off with older men they found on myspace.com or young women that meet someone on myspace.com who posed as a teen but is rather an adult. Note that all the stories focus on the young women/ old man phenomenon. Like guys aren't out there doing the same but it's considered the Mrs. Robinson (The Graduate)/ Stiffler's mom (American Pie)/ Stacy's Mom (popular song by Fountain of Wayne) kind of deal. Ah yes, the double standard of the press.

But I will put the upsides of myspace.com. It gives people a chance to connect with old friends and new ones. And small independent bands and artists are having a ball on myspace.com telling fans about where their next gig is and the option of posting music on ones profile gives people a chance to sample their music. My friend Rachel has her boyfriend Jorge's band use their myspace.com profile to their advantage. Of course they have a website and all that Rachel has lovingly designed but the profile brings the masses to the website and to the shows and eventually to the record stores to get the tunes or downloads off the internet. Also myspace has an easy blog function where people can post their opinions. However, it only shows the latest 5 or 6 entries. I have yet to see if it archives entries so that you can read them. I just have people come to this site to read my blog.

In fact, myspace.com is a way for Madison Avenue to put their message out there to their target audience. In fact, some non-profit organizations that deal with youth are seeing that you are fluent in myspace-ese and other social networking websites like facebook.com and Friendster. I am not lying on that. The job description for a youth coordinator for one of the local agencies dealing with HIV and AIDS in the Asian American community here in San Francisco, one of the requirements is familiarity in online outreach.

So after hearing that story and wondering when Rachel and Jorge and the guys will come up to play in San Francisco with their band next, I joined myspace. I limit it to a few friends and mostly to keep in touch with my cousin A.J. He's in middle school and into all that myspace stuff too. He and Justin keep on fighting who gets the computer. But, it gives me a chance to look into his world and what he's thinking. It's not too often that I am down in Southern Cali with my family since life has its own priorities. But, knowing the angsts of what A.J. is going through, etc. One cool thing during my last visit down south, A.J. helped me bake a few pies and he was going to Google to see if there is a pie.com website. Lo and behold, there it was and he happened to e-mail me that to my myspace mailbox.

As I think about and groan at times about myspace to which someone on MUNI the other day commented that myspace is more addictive than crack (now let me know if there is a local myspace anonymous chapter meeting soon), I wonder if this would be a new marketing tool and way to talk to teens about the difficult issues. I'm wondering how Planned Parenthood could use that to get teens to be aware of reproductive rights issues and other things.

On that note, back to my myspace profile. Just kidding. Seriously, get on out there and meet people and do things! Soak up some sunshine and get some air instead of sitting on your butt on the computer and eating too much junk food to where you get juvenile diabetes.

Toots.

Losing My Religon

2006-02-21T02:58:00.000-08:00

There are three things that you never discuss with your family: religion, politics, the Great Pumpkin.

Linus Van Pelt of the famous Charles Schultz Peanuts cartoon woefully says this after his sister Lucy taunts him for writing a letter to The Great Pumpkin on the classic half hour seasonal cartoon, "It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown." In some ways, the first two topics are taboo like boobie traps that gets hearts, minds and emotions all riled up and at times can cause worse factions than the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Blue and the Grey, and Cal Berkeley Bear fans and Stanford Cardinal fans. OK, maybe the last analogy was a little bit of a stretch but you get the idea. The mention of some other, opposing force brings out the worse in people or maybe the best but in either way, the most passionate and from the heart of people.

In the last few months as I have been fighting depression, I found myself turning to my faith more and more. It seems like in bleak times of illness or crisis, one turns to their faith or some belief or anger towards a spiritual and higher power bigger than themselves. Because there are times when you are at such a vulnerable state and position that you might be in danger of not being reasonable or thinking straight. However, there are some things that are beyond reason and even beyond logic. Those things are matters of the heart and spirit.

In this case, the last few months, I have been taking a more deeper exploration of my Catholic faith as an adult. Many times, Catholics have either arrested their ideas or beliefs in God to the same way they saw God as a child or have left the Catholic church altogether. Granted I wasn't one of those Filipino kids who went through the whole nine yards of going through a Catholic school education from elementary to high school to even college (I had my two years of wearing that ugly green and blue and red tartan print skirt that was the required uniform of St. Adelaid's girls). Yet, there was a part of me that wanted to know why things were the way they were and ask questions instead of just going to Mass every Sunday and going through the motions and somewhat checking out instead of actively engaging. There was a part of me that resisted this deeper exploration of my faith for fear of letting religion rule my life where I no longer made decisions for myself, just following a bunch of rules for the fear of God or whatever higher power was out there.

However, my explorations in my faith as a Roman Catholic have been quite the opposite. The last few years have pointed me in an enlightened direction where it allowed me to question the things that Church rulers and hiearchy have placed upon. Especially in working in the issues I am passionate about, AIDS awareness and reproductive rights, it has made me explore religion in a way where how some people would use it as a controling tool, a weapon to incite fear in the hearts of men and women that if they do not obey a certain set of rules, they are doomed even if those rules are not part of their culture.

I think about religious leaders that go around and say that people in same sex relationships are spawns of the devil. Yet, I think of my friends in same sex relationships and they have the exact same problems as me and the rest of my friends who are attracted to people of the opposite sex. I think about those same religious leaders that say that birth control and aborition is wrong. Yet, they do not understand when it comes down to the economics and basics of caring and raising a child, when the one raising the child does not have adequate resources to feed, clothe, shelter and educate that child, that is not pro-life. It is those same religious leaders, the zealot Religous Right that was the backbone of the Contract on America in 1994 that even preys upon its own Christian brothers and sisters by saying that Catholic's are not real Christians because they believe in the Virgin Mary, saints and all the other fluff and stuff that make up the Catholic church.

Now hold on a minute. That last sentence really pushed my buttons, brought out the woman in me that you do not even cross. I remembered when I had to do a paper for an upper division social ecology class on field observation writing, my assignment was to explore the dynamics of a social group. I ended up observing one of the Christian groups on campus for about six weeks. When one of the leaders of the group I interviewed said that the Virgin Mary wasn't really that significant that Catholics made her out to be, I almost decked him. However, at that time ten years ago as a fifth year college student, I did not have the astute knowledge to challenge him or to at least show him my point of view. Come to think about it, even if I did, he was one to stick to his guns and show who is boss. On a side note, this one young man was the roommate of a former friend who told me that I was not allowed in their apartment after a certain hour, thus ending mine and Ray's standing Thursday night "date" to watch ER. For years Ray and I watched the hour where Anthony Edwards, Juliana Margoles and George Clooney did their rounds in a Chicago hospital and wondered if we were to join their ranks in a few years as physicians. And this person who happened to be Ray's new roommate and his Bible study leader was dictating the cards in our friendship. For a moment as I was sitting in my seat with my tape recorder, notebook and half eaten muffin at Cornestone Cafe at UC Irvine, I thought this young man was going to punge my heart with a wooden stake and throw all the garlic in Gilroy as if I was a vampire out of human blood.

Yet, religious has a way of manipulating people for control and power, very different and contrary to what God intended religion to be and what I was taught. Sure some folks wonder what the big hoopla is over a sixteen year old virgin Jewish woman giving birth to the Son of God. Yes that makes her special but not to the point where you put her on a pedestal and idealize her or even to the point where you just discard her because all she was is a vessel to bring forth someone great. Mary is both human and devine. One great illustration that brings it home to me is a statue by Kiki Smith titled "The Virgin Mary" where Smith takes a common pose of the Blessed Mother where her head is tilted downward with a loving gaze and her arms and hands are open and stretched outward. This statute is not clothed in the usual long gown and veil and have a crown of stars and angels singing etherical tunes. Rather, the statue is naked where you see lines of blood vessels and muscles. She is devine because of her compassion and love. She is human because she, well, was a regular sixteen year old girl called to do a great thing. It is something where she can't be either/ or but she is both.

I think about that statue as I flip through the paper I wrote back in my fifth year of college. I remember my Kuya Ray as I pray and go through the beads of my olivewood rosary and wonder how he is. I know the question will come time and time again, how people will scratch their head and wonder how can I be a woman of faith, a strong practicing Roman Catholic and be pro-choice?

I sit back and think for a minute as I contempate this question. What comes to my head are the many friend affected by HIV and AIDS. I think about my godsisters, some who are now single parents. I think about my own life and what I want to do for myself and how I want to have my reproductive life determined by me and my own body depsite the circumstances. My idea of pro-life is being a healthy individual being able to raise a child and children who are loved, cared for and wanted. Sure you can tell me that those that do not want the child they bore can always be adopted. However, until there is a system where those in same sex relationships can adopt, where there is no black market ring for children in developing countries and when the foster care system isn't to the point where putting a child in that system is akin to playing a game of Russian Roulette, wondering if the child will live a normal life or die, adoption is not a viable panacea. Access and options and respect for what a woman wants to do with her reproductive life and health is.

And yes, that last statement does bring a chill to the bones of fundamentalists people of faith.

Sudoku 12 Step

2006-02-20T23:44:00.000-08:00

You know that you need to go to a twelve step program for sudoku addicts when you start solving the sudoku puzzle for the hand held sudoku electronic game toy advertised on the front of the latest Harriet Carter mail catalog.

Guilty as charged...

2006-02-20T02:43:00.000-08:00

OK, so I jacked this off of someone's myspace.com blog. I had to post it.

"YOU KNOW YOU'RE FILIPINO IF..."
1. You're related to everyone.
2. Your middle name is your mother's maiden name.
3. Your parents call each other "Mommy" and "Daddy."
4. You have uncles and aunts named "Boy," "Girlie," or "Baby."
5. You have relatives whose nicknames consist of repeated syllables like "Jun-Jun," "Ling-Ling," and "Mon-Mon." Mine by the way was "Che-Che."
6. You call the parents of your friends and your own parents' friends "Tito" and "Tita."
7. You have four or five names.
8. You greet your elders by touching their hands to your forehead.
9. You always kiss your relatives on the cheek whenever you enter or leave the room.
10. You follow your parents' house rules even if you are over 18.
11. You live with your parents until and at times even after you're married.
12. You make your children sing and dance to amuse your friends and relatives.
13. Your house has a distinctive aroma.
14. You decorate your living room wall with your family's framed diplomas and plaques.
15. You decorate your dining room wall with a picture of the "Last Supper." (that and the huge fork and spoon and knife)
16. You keep your furniture wrapped in plastic or covered with blankets.
17. You have a Sto. Nino shrine in your living room.
18. You keep a fly swatter in your kitchen.
19. Your kitchen table has a vinyl tablecloth.
20. You recycle shopping bags as garbage bags.
21. You have a piano that no one plays.
22. You keep a tabo in your bathroom.
23. You own a barrel man from Baguio (Schwing!).
24. You use Vicks Vapor rub as an insect repellant.
25. You have ageless skin, thanks to the high humidity of the tropics.
26. You eat with your hands.
27. You eat more than three times a day.
28. You think a meal is not a meal without rice.
29. You use your fingers to measure the water you need to cook rice.
30. You eat your meal using a spoon and fork.
31. You cut your meat with a spoon or fork.
32. You think sandwiches are snacks, not meals.
33. You feed all your visitors.
34. You always cook too much.
35. Your dining table has a merry-go-round (lazy Susan) in the middle.
36. You bring baon to work everyday.
37. You keep your stove covered in aluminum foil when not in use.
38. You wash and re-use plastic utensils, styrofoam cups, and aluminum wrappers.
39. Your pantry is never without Spam, Vienna sausage, corned beef, and sardines.
40. You love to eat daing or tuyo.
41. You prop up one knee while eating.
42. You eat your meal with patis, toyo, suka, banana catsup, or bagoong.
43. Your tablecloths are stained with toyo circles.
44. You love sticky desserts and salty snacks.
45. You eat fried Spam and hot dogs with rice.

P.S. My friend Liza has this really cool wooden table that has an intricate carving of the Philippine countryside encased in glass. I swear when she's not looking, I'm jacking that from her apartment...puahahahahah!!!

Bicycle Ride

2006-02-16T15:22:00.000-08:00

This week hasn't been the greatest week. Yesterday I was down, getting frustrated with the state and my disability check not coming and stressing about bills. Instead of going out and about and doing things like looking on craigslist for a job or asking people for job advice or networking or slugging some time in the language lab to brush up on my Tagalog skills, I stayed in bed until I had to go to work for a short four hour shift. I knew Shelly wanted to ride the next day and it was going to be a short one.

Lo and behold, I wake up late this morning, close to 11am or so. I am grouchy yet I get myself to go on craigslist to check out job listings when Shelly calls. I tell her that I might ride with her. I did get up and out to walk to the corner to get the Examiner for the daily sudoku puzzle. However, you have to get there by a certain time or the machine runs out of papers. And since the Examiner is free, it goes up pretty fast especially by the morning commuters. As luck would have it, the two machines carrying the Examiner had no newspapers and I growled. I didn't feel like taking a hike in my house hoodie (my favorite hoodie with the busted zipper that I use to wear around the house) and sweats just to find an Examiner. I ate some breakfast and an hour later when Shelly gets home from her petsitting stops, she calls and somehow, I am convinced to go out. Even though part of me really wanted to stay in and do stuff.

Well, it was a nice day to go out. We met at Sports Basement where we saw Susan getting some stuff for the LifeCycle office and getting essentials (sunscreen, butt butter and bars). After Susan left, Shelly and I rode around Fort Point and the Presidio and just talked about life and family and things. She told me about the hot looking Korean American medalist who won in the skiing events in the Winter Olympics (Shelly knows how much I really go after Asian men). I tell her about my financial pinch. With a good three loops under our belts, we parted ways to go home and I am now more focused on getting things done.

That's the thing I love about exercise. I get focused and stay focused on what needs to be done. I would love to start my days with a run or a ride then I can go from there. I have to say that it's a lot harder for me to do the after work workout. However, one thing that I can depend on Shelly on is that she will get me out on my bike even though I don't want to. And I tell you it's the best thing. She got me on my bike when I was stressed over law school apps. I got her on her bike when she was in crazy work mode and hadn't gone out to get some fresh air and sunshine.

I would never trade my bike for any car in the world. Really. I am that hooked!

Changing of the Seasons

2006-02-11T16:12:00.000-08:00

I forgot when I last stepped into the Ferry Plaza Farmer's Market on Saturdays. I went in there late. To my chagrin, Steve at Rancho Gordo ran out of homemade tamales while the Downtown Bakery guys after some weeks of vacation where I have not seen them ran out of donut muffins. But to my relief, I did get some wonderful citrus from Vicki at Bernard Farms, traded recipies and stories with Cindy and Marie as I bought my almonds at Alferi Farms, and found a stand that sold organic corn tortillas in the back of the market. I did get almost everything I was set out to get execpt fresh mint but that is not a major thing.

I am now seeing season changes. Bruin Farms was out there selling hothouse tomatoes. However, the tomatoes were gone when I got there. The guy at the Bruin Farm stand told me that he will be coming soon with more heirloom varieties and hothouse cucumbers. Yum!

I also saw green garlic in the stands. Ah green garlic, chard and eggs. Mmmmm...

My next pie project will be a Shaker Lemon pie for the ride documentary on Logo Premier. That should be loads of fun. It's not until a month from now but I am going to make a Shaker lemon pie in honor of Jon, one of the cyclists featured on the documentary and a very good friend of mine and Shelly's. Shelly and Jon are both native buckeyes (grew up in Ohio) and since the Shakers had a big community in Ohio, there you go, hence the pie.

Fun fun fun fun fun!

You can tell that I am a major foodie huh.

Birthday

2006-02-11T07:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I turned one more year older. I'm still thirty something and added one more year to that thirty something to still be thirty something.

OK, I turned 33.

As in that old School House Rock song, three is indeed a magic number. I am beginning to like the number 33 already because it has some signifance in life. The 33 Stanyan is one of my favorite MUNI routes where you hairpin down Clayton from the Haight to Upper Market and you get this wonderful view of the City and the Bay. 33 happens to be the number of Los Angeles Laker ledgend Kareem Abdul-Jabar. I will admit that I am not as fanatic of a Laker fan like the rest of my family but I always do root for them, even when they are having a losing streak.

Yesterday was a chockful of activities. Actually the whole week, I've been getting some nice cards from Ma, Pop and Ed; Most Holy Redeemer, AIDS/ LifeCycle with a personalized message from Cadby, my roommates Molly and Shannon and cards from friends and a few presents.

It was a beautiful day when just six of us rode out to Tiburon for the weekly Tib loop ride. Manang wasn't in town but I decided to step in for her. I made chocolate brownie pudding pie for the ride and Jon's kids (my co-ride leader) made cookies. It was sunny and beautiful. When I slipped into Cafe Acri being the last one in, Randy, Martin, Manuel, Jon, and Amanda sang "Happy Birthday" and I think everyone in the cafe joined in. I ate the top of a pumpkin muffin and saved the rest for the ride home. On the ride home, there was a thick fog on the bridge which cooled us down from climbing Sausalito grade. This time, the tourists didn't vex me and it was fun overall.

I got my haircut after showering and getting ready after I came back from the ride. My stylist Jay and I were just cracking jokes left and right as he was cleaning up my shaggy do. I then stopped by the AIDS/ LifeCycle office and dropped off my registration. I chatted with Susan and Leslie about volunteering and roadie stuff. Then a quick change at home and off I went to Delancy Street Restaurant where me and my closest friends had this wonderful dinner. It was very lively with my friends and even in the menu where the daily specials were, it said "Happy Birthday Edna".

It was indeed a great day.

Not So Superbowl

2006-02-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

I will admit that I am not a big American football fan. Even though I watched high school football games since I was in marching band and we had to perform at football games, I never understood the rules and nuances of American football.

I am using a qualifying statement because football in most parts of the world refers to soccer which in my opinion, is a much more exciting game. I wouldn't say that I am a soccer fanatic but if you were to give me a choice between football and American football, I would choose football. And I would rather watch it on BBC or some Asian broadcasting channel or Spanish television which is the best. Those announcers really have heart when they give their play by plays. I watched the 2002 World Cup on Univision late at night because the announcers kept the game lively. I also love it when they shout, "GOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLLLL!!!" It's an expression that really comes from the gut. It takes major muscles to give a call that exuberantly.

If I had to, I would mostly watch commercials in the Super Bowl and be very analytical about it. I mean, it is the most watched event on television and the highest rate per minute in television advertising. It can also reflect a culture of a people and what the trends are these days. Like during the dot com boom, all these dot com companies such as pets.com were using the Super Bowl as their platform to get people to log onto their sites only to find out that a year later, they busted when the dot com bubble busted.

However, a more sombering fact about the Super Bowl is that it is the day of the highest number of domestic violence cases in the year. Think about it. You have people who are drunk. Their team lost. The wife or partner gives the loved one watching the game beer that is less filling while he or she wanted something that tasted great. They put a lot of money into a pool and find out that they lost their shirt. So all those frustrations along with their own personal frustrations mixed with a lot of alcohol in their system equals to some folks, a real act of domestic terrorism. The accusor uses words or fists to take out their frustration. And in some instances, there are situations where this is just another day of beating and berating.

Domestic violence is one of those issues that touches people really emotionally and can drain you so much. It is a complex web in why people end up with partners who abuse them emotionally and physically. I could go into the issues of why certain folks tend to bring out this abusive behavior but it's too heavy for me to go into. Plus I guess in my little world, domestic violence can happen to anyone, not just the usual mainstream case of a husband or boyfriend hitting his wife or girlfriend. I know of some instances of domestic violence in same sex relationships but of course, those are not discussed because mainstream America is not as comfortable to talk about same sex relationships. I mean, slowly American society is showing more acceptance to same sex relationships but it has a long way to go.

Domestic violence is another area were many Pinays are affected. As I am applying to law school, I hesitate in terms of getting involved in doing legal issues that deal with domestic violence. It's a very complex web and issue. I knew a guy whose mother was abused by her husband and it affected him greatly to the point where we had some issues between us. Because domestic violence is such a heavy and emotional issue, I want to stay away from it because it can be very draining and taxing. However, I do see the lack of resources for women to go into places where they can be safe, especially in the Asian American community. In most Asian cultures, we women must stick by our husbands and partners for better or for worse. We as women are not taught to stand up for ourselves and say to get out of a situation. That we took vows in our marriages that we stand until death do us part even if that death were to come to us in the form of blows to our bodies and our souls.

The root of domestic violence is all about who has power. A weapon. Something that can be used against the person that is abused. Where the abuser is the breadwinner, the holder of a green card, using deportation or shame as a weapon of subjugation. But also, the one being abused may also have their own chains- being isolated from friends and family and resources, growing up in a culture where a woman does not stand up for herself but accepts whatever lot she is given in her life, not having the money or the courage to say, "No, I will not take it anymore."

And if you are wondering who I was rooting for, I rooted for Seattle by default. I have an ex-boyfriend whom I am not in really good terms with who was a huge Steelers fan. Enough said.

Pie-O-Vision

2006-02-04T23:47:00.000-08:00

I will have to admit that I have had a one track mind lately. Last weekend when I was at Berkeley for a GABNet orientation, I had some time to kill over at the Berkeley Farmer's Market. I browsed through the stands in the dismal grey day looking at produce and hungering for veggies. I stumbled upon a stand, Ludming Avenue Farm, where an older African American gentleman was selling bags of dried black eyed peas, eggs and pecans. The farm is based out of Santa Rosa and I was surprised to find pecans growing in California. I had a nice conversation with him and I decided to make pecan pie from his pecans. From all the pie books I have read, I found out that you would have to special order pecans from Georgia. At least I can support a local farm and have a face to the name.

When I was looking at a few pie books this week, something struck me to make Shaker Lemon Pie where the whole lemon (pith and all ) is sliced paper thin, bathed in sugar and baked. I immediately thought of Vicky and Vince Bernard of Bernard Farms. Their citrus trees are the last standing ones in Riverside County and it is a connection to my citrus heritage as I was growing up in Highland. The orange groves up the hill in East Highland are long gone replaced by monchrome beige tones of suburban housing tracks that look like mushrooms from afar. Funny how one's view of paradise is another person's hell. In this case, my brother Ed prefers the sameness and consistency of suburban life while I am out there sticking my neck out there living on the edge in city life. I bag on the burbs, he rags on the City.

As sson as funds roll in, so does the pie.

One Long Assed Run

2006-02-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

In an e-mail to a friend of mine, I was telling her that my friend Alain and I were going to run the Los Angeles Marathon this year for fun. I ended it by saying that we weren't smoking crack but we were addicted to endorphins.

Yes, if I were to tell most people that I was running a marathon for fun, they might think I might have gone behind an alley and smoked crack. However, I do like the endorphin rush. Running gives me a chance to think, to have some alone time, to sort out things.

Running long distances alone is quite daunting and sometimes a welcome silence. However, any activity is much more fun with a friend. I look forward to my runs with the San Francisco Road Runners where I have been a member for about three years now. I have a set of people that I run with, my pace group. I love my pace group where we are shooting for an average time of 10:00 minutes to 10:30 minutes per mile. Rusty, an older gentleman who is a schoolteacher, and I have some really great talks. Mostly we talk about crass stuff but hey, it gives me a chance to vent. Plus Rusty and I can talk about far away travels (he has traveled around the world quite a bit) and discuss what's new at Berkeley Bowl (this really cool grocery store with organic produce and quite a selection of exotic things).

Sometimes I wish that I could record my thoughts while I run because I do come up with some great ideas. If you were to ask me to give up exercise for Lent, I would jump off a bridge. I think it would really suck if I had an injury where I couldn't excercise. That would be the death of me.

Speaking of giving up stuff for Lent, some guy on our training ride this Sunday told me to give up baking for Lent. That would also be the death of me too.

Here are some of my thoughts and observations that go through my head as I run.

Plain GU isn't that bad. I had expected it to have no taste but it's a nice clean taste supplying one with the necessary carbs and electrolytes to keep going. It's like plain yogurt. It cleanses the palate. When I was younger, I hated plain yogurt. I liked fruit flavored yogurt, especially fruit on the bottom yogurt. In college during my University Administration Internship, my supervisor at the Center for Women and Gender Education ate plain yogurt and flavored it with whatever fruit was in season. She also swam during lunch. I didn't try plain yogurt until a few years ago and it really is better. Some of the flavored yogurts on the market have a lot of sugar. So now that I tasted plain GU and like it, I will get the assorted flavors box on the next trip to Sports Basement.

A few weeks ago, I saw some ad on TV for Shoe Pavillion having a sale on athletic shoes. Here's my take on that. If you're going to start running, don't go to Shoe Pavillion to get your running shoes. Go to a running store that specializes in running. That way, they can fit you for the right type of shoe for your feet. It might be a little pricey, but if you are a member of a running club or part of a charity run like Team In Training or the National AIDS Marathon , you might get a sweet deal of a discount. Your shoes will be different for your needs. It took me awhile to find the shoe that I run in, the Saucony Grid Omni with ultra stability. If you like a shoe and stick with it for awhile, then you can go to places like Sports Basement or Shoe Pavillion to get your shoes for cheap.

Now, I think I have bitched about this before in this space but I still don't get it when people use their iPods or MP3 players to run. This morning, my run started in the dark. Luckily I have a red tailight I put on my hat and a headlamp that I borrowed from Shelly to see where I was going. Now you might chastise me for running in the dark but I go on places that I am familiar with and places that have people walking on it and running. Not being plugged in is good because you can be more aware of your senses and what is going on around you. For me, I love the sound of my footfall on the pavement or trail and this morning, I heard the waves crashing as I was going along Chrissy Field and the sound of the foghorns form the ships as they go by the Golden Gate Bridge. I even heard a frog croak as I was going by Chrissy Field on the way back home.

I make it more of an effort now to run. I have way too many peers and friends and co-workers now worrying about their high cholesterol rates. I know I admit that I eat like I don't care- scarfing down cookies and sweets and the occasional bag of chips and what not. However, I do need to be careful. I want to be healthy and I do have some health risks in my family. Pop's side of the family has a history of heart disease, strokes and diabetes. Ma's side of the family has a predisposition to high blood pressure and diabetes. Now there might be some link to what they eat and that they don't exercise but Pop is pretty athletic and watches what he eats and doesn't drink or smoke and still he had a heart attack 15 years ago. My Manong Ferdie who cycles every day to work and watches what he eats ended up having a mild stroke...and he's in his mid-30s. Yikes! Plus running is a fountain of youth I think. Nobody believes me when I tell them I'm in my early 30s.

I'm not sure which marathon it is but I know it's one of the major marathons. They have a contest on who is the healthest CEO. Runners World did an article last year on CEOs and running. They do come up with great ideas and innovation when they run. Public officials have gotten the running bug as well. Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee started running when his doctor warned him that if he kept up with his bad eating habits and lack of exercise, he would have at best a decade to live. Former Vice President Al Gore ran the Marine Corps Marathon. A friend of mine who did advance for the Vice President had one of his jobs was to map out running routes for the Vice President to train on. Even former Senator and Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards runs where he was once featured on the cover of Runner's World before the 2004 Presidential elections. Funny how the letters to the editor have the magazine an earful saying that it was playing partisan politics with putting Edwards on the cover. I wonder if an article featuring Huckabee who is a Republican and in some circles, considered on the short list for the 2008 presdiential nomination, would have quelled these naysayers. I mean, between Edwards and current Vice President Dick Chenney, Chenney has had heart attacks galore and pacemakers put in. But I'm sure that public officials and candidates for public office have come up with good ideas for their campaigns and legislation. Just like the round of golf with lobbyists, I bet the jog would kick up some ideas. My ex-boyfriend Joe once joked that lobbyists might have to learn how to cycle if the want to break a deal with me.

I was thinking of e-mailing Alain to bring his laptop and the second part of the sixth season of "Sex and the City". I have yet to watch the final episodes of the four gals and their adventures. I figured that the day before the marathon is a rest day, why not sit and watch "Sex and the City". Oooo fun fun fun.

Now I have this craving for pancakes. I think I'll just whip up some French toast instead.

State of Our Disunion

2006-02-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

Last night was President Bush's annual State of the Union address. To mark this event, some folks staged a protest at Union Square asking people to make noise during the President's speech because "we want to drown out the lies he is telling us."

Well, yes, the Presdient sucks eggs and is doing really bad policy. But what will a protest do? And people in the Bay Area are more or less liberal so what's the point? I know I'm being a whiny woo but just having the SFPD in the store yesterday around the time of the protest in riot gear didn't put me in a good mood. And waiting for the 38 Geary during the evening commute where every bus is full and zooms by my stop at Geary and Powell doesn't really help. I was not too far from all the protest action.

Call me cycnical but a protest like this won't get you anywhere. Drowing out the other person's sayings is being closed minded. Kind of like right winged rabid folks only in liberal stripes. I think my godbrother Christian told me that in Los Angeles one time, some young Filipino activist was trying to get The Boondocks cartoonist Aaron McGruger (a young African American man) to support their protest/ boycott. Aaron just said it wasn't going to work and went off. He wasn't being cynical. Just realistic.

Sometimes you have to listen to the other side, no matter how ugly it sounds to your ears or makes you sick to your stomach to plan the next bold move against them. It is a gam unfortuately but when the stakes are people's lives, you have to put all you got. With now Samuel Alito on the Supreme Court bench, yes Roe v. Wade has a noose around its neck and it's getting tighter and tighter. However, I think it's high time that the pro-choice movement starts to change how they put the message out there on defending women's reproductive lives and health.

I get angry when people think that pro-choice equals abortion. That is not entirely the case and it's just some simplistic, moronic conclusion to subjugate women. If only folks on both sides of the arguement see that it's more than just access to abortion but to health care, accurate sexual education, reduction of single parent pregnancies to adolescents, reduction of sexually transmitted diseases. The sad thing is that the pro-choice side has let the anti choice folks slowly chip away at things that make abortion legal and safe.

I still have my critiques about Bush and what he said. I really wonder if he will increase funding for state drug assistance programs. I cynically think that he would lobby with his pharmicetual industry friends to jack up the prices of drugs and keep the state funding levels at the same as the previous years.

Interesting that the Democratic address to the State of the Union was more of a concillartory tone instead of a devisive one. Yes, we should get into our own issues and stop fighting one another. But, it went a little kumbaya-ish for me. It would be interesting to see Antonio Villarigosa, mayor of Los Angeles, to see what his comments were. He gave the Democratic address to the State of the Union speech in Spanish. According to The California Report this morning, Villarigosa was more critical about more people going into poverty and the slde of the educational system under the Bush administration.

Like a Tattoo

2006-01-27T08:09:00.000-08:00

Usually I would wake up listening to some news bit on NPR. The NPR affiliate, KQED, has a short maybe 3 to 5 minute bit called Perspectives where the speaker talks about some current event or topic and their particular view on it. KQED has this disclaimer about the speakers on Perspectives do not necessarily view the programming or funders or listeners of KQED.

This morning had a third grade teacher in San Francisco talk about his friend Maurice and his tattoo. Now before you think that it's going to be some spiel about hipsters and their tattoos, Maurice didn't recieve his tattoo from some drunken debachle or lapse of reason according to the speaker.

Maurice is a survivor of Auschwitz.

Auschwitz, the dreaded concentration camp in Eastern Europe. One of the camps where six million Jewish people as well as countless gypsies, gays, lesibians, and others that the Germans decided to get the world rid of during World War II. Dead. Gone. Either from starvation, disease, the gas chambers better known as the showers (because they were taken to an area that was set up like a shower like area), overwork, etc.

As I hear this story, I suddenly think about my lunch break the other day where I stepped into Cody's Books in downtown. I wanted to see what the latest sudoku books were on stock. On my way downstairs where most of the books were held, one of the displays on the featured books was Elie Wisel's Night, his account of Auschwitz when he was a teenager. One of the few that was able to live to tell about it.

Today marks the 61st anniversary of the liberation of Auschwitz by the Allies.

I stopped in my tracks and took a deep breath as I walked towards the display with Wiesel's work. I instantly thought of Mrs. Dviern, my ninth grade English teacher. She was a dreaded English teacher who was strict yet was the only one who taught college prepatory English. When I enrolled in Clement Junior High School after graduating from Catholic school (doing my time in Catholic school I joke), I didn't feel confident in enrolling in college prep English. My studies in English in Catholic school were rather limited. I spent the first semester at Clement with another English teacher in the intermediate ninth grade English class with another teacher. I ended up with Mrs. Dviern for English the second semester. After realizing how bonehead and slow the English class I was enrolled in as well as finding out that this wasn't the class that would prepare me for my university bound ambitions, I asked my counselor and Mrs. Dviern if I could be transferred into the college prep class. Surely enough, there was space in my schedule and a space in her class for one more warm body. She warned me that it would be difficult but I was up to the challenge.

Mrs. Dviern drilled us with endless essays and compositions. She made us read and analyze books. Night happened to be one of those books. I wondered why she held such a fervent passion for this work that won the Nobel Peace Prize.

It wasn't until many years later during a conversation with my friend Zion. He and I first met each other at Clement and went to Redlands High School afterwards. We went our separate ways and met up a couple times. We saw each other again a few years back at a rider's expo for California AIDS Ride participants. We were signed up to do California AIDS Ride 8. However, I ended up riding while Zion wasn't able to fundraise the minimum requirement to participate. We didn't see each other again until a few years later at a chance meeting at 24 Hour Fitness in the Castro. We met up for coffee and chatted about our lives in the Inland Empire, how we felt so isolated. Zion was one of the few African Americans at Clement Junior High School and Redlands High School. In fact, Zion was one of the few African Americans in college prep classes I knew. I was one of the few Filipinos in my school. It was then that Zion told me why Mrs. Dviern was so passionate about Night.

Mrs. Dviern was one of those that remembers that time very well. I am not sure if she was able to be one of those to bear witness to the horrors of the concerntration camps and live to tell about it or was she one of those whose loved ones were left behind and were later told of the details from surviving relatives and loved ones about the camps.

Mrs. Dviern also taught French 1 at Clement Junior High School. Zion took French from her. When Zion and I went on to Redlands High School, Mrs. Dviern was hoping that Zion would continue with French. He ended up enrolling in German. To a Jewish woman that was a witness of one of the darkest periods of her time and her people, it was like a knife to her heart. She and Zion ended up keeping touch, running errands for her to make some side money. They still kept up their friendship. When Zion came out to Mrs. Dviern in college, Zion told me how she cried and feared for Zion, remembering that gays and lesbians faced the same cruel and fatal fate that Jews in Europe did during World War II. They too were carted off to concentration camps, an inverted pink triangle sewn on their uniforms to mark that they were gays and lesbians. That same pink triangle is now a symbol of empowerment for the LGTB community.

Like me and Zion, Mrs. Dviern was also isolated in Redlands. She was one of the few Jewish people in a rather anti-Semetic town. Redlands was one of those places that had a large population of evangelical Christians and Mormons. I was a minority, not only racially but religiously, being one of the few I knew that was Catholic.

I wonder if Mrs. Dviern has a tattoo reminding her about that time. I wonder if she is still alive. I'm not sure how old she is now, perhaps in her 60s or 70s, maybe her 80s. Maurice, the person of focus in the Perspectives story is 92.

I look at my pile of books and tell myself that I will borrow Night. I already have a copy of it but it is in my bookshelf in Southern California where my parents are. I also thought about the other atrocities, genocides that has also happened during the Ottoman Empire with the Turks, Cambodians during the time of Pot Pol in the 1970s and Rwanda in the 1990s.

I think of Mrs. Dviern when someone talks about the Holocaust. I also remember my visit to the Holocaust museum in Washington, DC where I saw artifacts from the Holocaust: suitcases that held the items from concentration camp detainees and an actual boxcar that crammed Jews and others from their homes in Europe to the concentration camps. To imagine one being in that boxcar, so scared for your life, your fate. All because you were Jewish. Or a gypsy. Or loved someone of your own sex.

On my most recent visit home, my cousin A.J. told me that his class was planning a trip to the Museum of Tolerance in Los Angeles. Like the Holocaust Museum, the Museum of Tolerance taeches visitors about the Holocaust but it also tells them about other times in history where man has acted in a hurtful and discriminatory way towards others. I smile that my eight grade cousin is learning about this period in history and hope he gleans the lessons I've learned from reading Night and Mrs. Dviern's teaching about it.

Who knows, A.J. might be one of those that end up getting a tattoo to the dismay of his parents. Perhaps I will tell him the story of Mrs. Dviern and the six million Jews who died in the Holocaust during World War II and Maurice's tattoo.

The Jump Up and Down Rant and Rave

2006-01-25T00:03:00.000-08:00

No, this is not a joyful jumping up and down like Tom Cruise did when he professed his love for Katie Holmes on Oprah last summer (God help those two, especially Katie). It's more of an angry up and down rant and rave. This occurred as I was watching the news last night on Judge Samuel Alito's upcoming vote on his confirmation to the Supreme Court.

Now why is it that those who do not support abortion, the ones who want to do away with it and to make it rare are the same ones that cut funding for poor women to have access to birth control and health care?

Why is it that those who do not support abortion are the same ones who cut funding for child care programs, government programs that provide low cost pre-natal care for low income women, after school programs that keep kids off the streets, etc.?

Why is it that those that do not support abortion are the same ones that support the death penalty?

Why is it that those that do not support abortion are the same ones preaching that abstience from sex is the best and only form of birth control yet when surveyed recently, those teens practicing abstinence end up having a high teen pregnancy rate?

Why is that those that do not support abortion who believe in the sancatiy of life and the love of one another are the same ones bombing clinics, shooting doctors and scarring young women with their taunts and jeers and stares, making these women feel like the lowest of low?

Why is it that those that do not support abortion are the same ones who think that if you give a young single mother diapers and formula and a free carseat to help her out with her baby, a pregnancy she may not even want, would make her feel better? Remember, diapers and formula and carseats are good for so long?

Why is it that those who do not support abortion want to do away with public assistance programs, force single mothers to work in jobs that are barely enough to pay the bills, jobs that are far from where they live where they have to spend a good deal of their wages on child care and these jobs do not even provide health care or employees of these jobs do not even qualify for health care?

NOW WHY IS IT?

"Condoms are easier to change than diapers." -quote from a bumper sticker

Put Some South In Your Mouth- Sweet Potato Pie

2006-01-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

At last, a pie that wasn't apple.

I've always wanted to make sweet potato pie. Daniel, Catherine's boyfriend, made some for a Thanksgiving shindig last year and it was pretty good. Both Catherine and I agreed that he couldn't do without the marshmallows. However, Daniel, hailing from North Carolina, insisted on them.

But tonight, I went with my own version of sweet potato pie. The recipie comes from The Joy of Cooking All About Pies and Tarts.

crust: lard crust following the recipie from the same book where I got the sweet potato pie recipe. It held up very well and I refrigerated the dough for about two hours. This one asked for some sugar and no vinegar. I might end up using it.

This is the first time I had pretty good luck with a one crust pie. I was wondering about the recipie for the pie and the recipie on how to prepare a one crust. You had to brush egg yolk on the crust. The instructions were different on the recipies. It seemed like with the pie version, you brush the egg yolk then bake for 20 minutes (which is what I did). However, the crust version says to bake for 20 minutes, brush on egg yolk then bake for 5 minutes. The pie weight worked well. Still getting used to the whole pie weight thing.

The best thing about the crust was that I was able to build a nice high rim. The crust was easy to handle and roll. I even fluted the edge pretty nicely. Fluting will take some practice I will admit.

Filling: I used sweet potatoes from Eatwell Farm in Davis. Peeling them was a pain because you have to peel deeper than just the peel. There is a white sheath under the peel. After a little bit of work, steaming them wasn't too bad. You came out with a nice batch of sweet potatoes. They have this nice pale orange color. Yams have a deeper orange color.

The pie baked like a dream. Now it's chilling like a villan in the fridge. Can't wait to try it.

There are some folks I would like for them to give me their comments. Daniel being one of them. A few of my co-workers as well I need their feedback. If I can, I might be able to get my protoge Steve to try it out. He's the only Vietnamese guy I know that was born in Kentucky, raised in Louisiana before moving to California for high school. He's a rather interesting mix.

Before I had the sweet potato pie that Daniel made, it has been years since I have had a slice. There was this one place in East Oakland near the Coliseum where I would go for BBQ. Along with either BBQ ribs or chicken or pulled pork, I would always have two sides to go with it- collard greens and sweet potato pie.

Ah, sweet potato pie. Ain't life grand?

Real Desparate Housewives

2006-01-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

This morning as I was doing my laundry, I happen to find an old issue of Family Circle lying around. As I waited for my wash to finish, I was cursing that I didn't bring a pencil to edit my resumes and cover letters. I also couldn't solve the sudoku puzzle in the paper today. So, to pass the time, I flipped through the magazine. It was the only things worth reading.

An old friend Dale once said that fashion magazines are like crack for women. They just need a fix each time and some women are just slaves to fashion and treat Vogue and Cosmopolitan like the Bible. I honestly think that some of these glamor magazines have some standard format of making a woman feel like crap in her relationships, her career and her beauty. Family magazines such as Women's Day or Family Circle take that one step further. They add the family and the kids to make you feel like shit and how much you lack.

As I was flipping through the magazine, I did admit that I tore out the recipies for easy dinners and one for mini apple pies. However, when I read the ingredients for some of these easy dinners, I shudder because it asks you to get the ready made, processed stuff that is loaded with chemicals, calories and such. Then again, who has time to be Martha Stewart when you are busy conquering the world and juggling that with a family.

In the midst of all these recipies, there was a survey of the status of housewives. One thing that struck me is that women that live in the burbs have this crazy assed pressure to make it look like they have it all down, all perfect. Where it comes down to competition of how I can balance my career, my kids and being on numerous boards of non profits and have great sex with my handsome husband. Makes me more not want to settle down and marry and move to the burbs.

I realized my distdain for the burbs not only on my visits home to my family in Southern Cali but one time, my friend Bob and I had to stick around at some suburban mall while he was getting his tire changed. We just finished a training ride in the East Bay and Bob found a screw stuck on one of his tires. We had to stay for a bit and we grabbed lunch. We settled on Mongolian BBQ where you get to put how much meat, veggies and noodles and sauce you wanted in your bowl. There were these two Asian males, elementary school age, that were really annoying. They would hold up the line and they made the woman serving the sauces nuts because they would change their mind on what they wanted on the sauces. I swear Bob and I wanted to bop them over the head. What really concerned me was that there was no parent in sight to look after these children. Bob and I theorized that their parents were probably sick of them and dropped them off and took a valium.

I do worry that being a suburban housewife and mother would reduce you to some woman that is only able to speak in baby talk and not have adult conversations. I wonder if your reading habits would change too. Would you not be able to listen to NPR because your kids are demanding that you put on The Wiggles all the time? Do you suddenly revert to your girlhood pleasure of playing dress up with dolls but this time blowing the grocery budget on designer clothes for the kids that they would outgrow in six months? I kind of feel sorry for one of my co-workers. She works part time and her husband is the one pulling in the bucks. She's always shopping. One time she looked at me and said, "Why can't I be like you and just be simple?" I honestly don't care for shopping. I like food shopping and getting things that I need but not shopping because it's on sale and most likely I won't wear it. I kind of feel sorry for her because she had to drop out of college when she had her first child. The only things we can talk about are clothes and kids. Very empty for me.

However, I do like the thrill of challenges. I like my singlehood. I like going on a bike ride when I want to or working on my latest running challenge. I'm ready to tackle the career challenge on moving ahead of dingy retail. Yet, do I want to be living out of a suitcase and eating out every night? Do I want to have a life where I can't even do my laundry and the only way I can get clean clothes is hopping into the nearest Target or Mervyns on my lunch hour to get clean undies? Hmmmm...

I really do want to have a kid eventually. I want to experience birth but there is that part of me that wonders can I really make this hybrid of a person, the hipster mother. Is that possible? Can I raise kids and still be a fabulous woman all around?

Yet Another Fun Apple Pie

2006-01-23T00:13:00.000-08:00

Honestly, making apple pie is starting to vex me. I think it's because it's so repetitive and that's all I've been doing, making one apple pie after another.

However, I'm not going to complain. Making any kind of pie is fun and each time is a unique experience, an experiment, a work in progress.

This particular pie has all Golden Delicious apples which I have read from one of my books are rather bland in nature but a good cooking of the apples in butter and sugar makes them especially yummy.

I had to start all over with the crust because the crust that I had in the freezer and had it thawed in the fridge was old and spoiled. Funny with this crust was that it was a little on the dry side and somewhat crumbly when I mixed it. The last few times, it was wet and sticky. But the refrigerating does wonders letting the gluten in the flour settle. I usually chill it for at least half an hour. It stays good in the fridge for 3 days and in the freezer for several months. Now you see why I chucked out the other crust. Probably I also used my generic Ralph's brand unbleached bread flour for the last crust while this time I used unbleached Gold Medal flour. The first time I did this lard crust, I used bleached all purpose Gold Medal flour. Can't really say for sure if it's the flour or the lard that gave the crust the dry composition. But, who knows.

I did a lattice top but a more intricate design where I laid out 10 stips by 10 strips. I tried it by doing it on a flat surface (my cookie sheet I use when I bake pie) and then hopefully easily transfering it onto the pie but the transition from the sheet to the pie was a bit tricky and it was mis-aligned on the pie. However, with a few adjustments and fixes, it was like new. I was hoping to do a basketweave type of top with the strips close together. Didn't have enough strips. Next time, next project.

Because of the drier dough, had a hard time edging the pie. I'll see what's going on and make adjustments accordingly. I did a somewhat rounded edge using my fingers to shape it. Would have been nice for me to have that extra dough like I had with past pies.

Recipie used: The one from the Farmhand's Favorite Pies book. I actually want to try a pie where I don't have to cook the apples. Too much work.

Pictures coming soon. On my wish list is a digital camera where I can upload photos ASAP so you know what I'm talking about.

The Urban Fund

2006-01-21T12:48:00.000-08:00

Awhile back during my DC days, I used to read the New York Times on a regular basis. Now I pick it up for the occasional Sunday pages (I have a guilty pleasure of looking at the wedding pages) and if a breaking story comes out, I would like to get the Times perspective on it. During the spring months, the Fresh Air Fund, an organization that gets urban kids exposed to life in the country, would start its fundraising campaigns.

You hear these stories of children whose jungle is mostly concrete and metal and gunshots and sirens are the calls of the wild. You find out that a week in the country exposes them to clean air and wildlife. Heck, even Mariah Carrey was a Fresh Air Fund kid and look where it got her. OK, I'll discard that. Spending time in the country does not make you loony.

Yet, we see so many kids now living in the suburbs. They live on streets named after trees that were torn down to make the developments and the wildlife that use to inhabat that land before the stucco monocolored track houses. And when suburban folks come out to the City, I swear, they act like fools. This behavior is better witnessed during the holiday season when the bridge and tunnel crowds come out in force. So I figured, well, why don't you start something where you send suburban kids and show them how to behave in the big city.

With the Urban Fund, suburban kids can know how to ride public transit properly (not hanging on the stairwells on buses, knowing when to pull the cord for a stop and having correct change...doesn't help when you have a twenty dollar bill on you). They can also learn identify certain smells such as certain ethnic foods and folks that forget to shave and for humid climates, the stench that hangs around with the humidity that is a mix of exhaust and sewage. Kids can also learn defend themselves against panhandlers, crazed protesters, and aggressive public tranisit passengers (please do not engage in those activities at all...just walk on by). A good example is that this morning on the 30 Stockton, a crazed woman got on the bus, started saying all these racial slurs (we just passed Chinatown and were heading into Union Square) and started shoving and pushing people. She nearly wacked an elderly Asian gentleman on the head with her roll on suitcase.

At least suburban kids won't act like boneheads after some time with the urban fund. In fact, they might want to leave those nice suburban streets and actually live in the urban jungle. I swear it's more fun than a strip mall or big box store. And think about it. Yes, it's a stretch not to have a car but walking everywhere promotes great cardiovasuclar health. Add on schleping groceries a few steps and some hills and stairwells and you got a complete workout there!

So sponsor a suburban kid today! All donations are tax deductable. Operators are standing by!

Test Driving Pie Books

2006-01-20T22:08:00.000-08:00

It's true. I probably checked out a good portion of the San Francisco Public Library's collection of pie and pastry cookbooks. I literally had to make two trips to the Anza branch to pick them up. Some of these books were pretty thick where they literally towered over me when I piled them on my arms and attempted to walk home. For the first trip, I took the bus to walk downhill 5 blocks. The next time, I remembered to bring a bookbag to store the books. You might scoff and say, "Yeah, 5 blocks downhill. Easy." But remember that my apartment is on the second floor, up four flights of stairs. Enough said.

It gives me a chance to look at ideas for pies. Different crusts. Tips on handling dough. Which varieties of apples to buy. Giving me good tips on how many key limes it takes to make 1/2 cup of joice (about one dozen). And tarts...that brings me to another level of pastrydom. I thought about doing tarts to expand my baking repertiore but that would be too complicated. I think pie is nice, simple, Middle America.

Funny how I would find a pie recipie in one of my Filipino cookbooks. It was one that was specific for Filipinos living abroad in the States and Canada and what ingredients would replace native things found in the Philippines. Funny thing is that I don't recall seeing an oven in any of the houses in the Philippines. Maybe Autie Helen's place but I wasn't sure. Gas is such a premium because we are talking about getting gas from butane cans which I figure they don't come cheap.

Maybe one time I should try baking pie old school provincial style- over an open fire like Ma's provincial home in Ilocos Norte. That is on my list of things to do in the Philippines next to surfing with Filipino movie stars in San Juan, La Union and wondering if I will end up in the Philippines' version of Page Six (the New York Post gossip column).

I figured once I look through these books, there might be some I would like to buy and put in my library. Two I am looking at very closely is The Pie and Pastry Bible by Rose Levy Beranbaum and Pie by Ken (I can't think of the last name for a moment). Fun stuff.

Gymnastics

2006-01-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

For the first time in about two weeks, I've finally gotten up early to go running. I miss getting up and going for a run. First it was a cold that prevented me from seeing Rachel and her boyfriend Jorge's band play when they were up from LA. Then it was an abcessed wound near by buttock that had to be drained and hurt like hell when I even tried to run. Now that those two things subsided, it was time to get out of bed and lace up the running shoes once again. Hopefully the rain will key at bay this weekend. Last weekend, it just poured down and I didn't even want to get out of the house to even return a library book.

There is something about exercise that makes you just wake up and be more aware of things. Being aware of your body, your surroundings. I frown upon those who plug into their iPods or MP3 players or radios to provide muscial diversion to avert their pain. First of all, it's dangerous. You don't know when there's a car or a criminal there to pounce upon you. Second of all, it just dulls your senses of the beauty around you. I love hearing my footfall, seeing the fog rise up from the park looking like a scene from Lord of the Rings. I love smelling the crisp air and listening to the dialogue of people you pass in their native tongue.

If one sense is dulled, the others are hightened. If one sense is overstimulated, the other senses are dulled. The second observation seems to come into play when one plugs into an audio device to make exercise fun. For me, just having the chance to empty myself, to look at things that I wouldn't even pay attention to. Like if I can see Twin Peaks clearly today. Or how blue the sky is. Or the ducks swimming around Stow Lake that remind me of my godbrother Brian who was killed earlier last year. (His nickname was "Pato" which meant duck in Tagalog and Spanish).

I just finished Dean Kazares' autobiography, Ultramarathon Man. By the way, he's one guy that does ultramaratons, running events that are longer than the usual 26.2 mile fare. It was one of those books that I couldn't put down. Maybe because as a fellow marathon running, I just want to see what makes this guy tick. Honestly, I don't think I could do one. Maybe not at this time. Maybe later on in my life. Maybe never. I'm wondering what to dow with myself for 100 miles of running. I can certainly cycle 100 miles. But run?

Anyways, Dean was talking about how running renewed him, revived him from a ho hum life of corporate America and helped him grieve the loss of his younger sister who died in a car accident on the eve of her 18th birthday. How running gave him a bigger purpose, a bigger goal. Frankly I like running for the challenge and the exercise and the stress relief and the fact that I can explore an unfamiliar place on my own two feet. Also I like to eat and I don't want that to make me gain too much weight. Yeah, I will admit, vanity is a factor in why I run.

But running this morning gave my body that surge of gymnastics that I have been hungering for. How my body was totally engaged, every nerve, every cell. All these chemical reactions that were on dry paper in biochemistry class coming alive. It was almost like the day I went to the deYoung Museum and perused at art. How I engaged all my senses and what I know to look at a piece of art whether it was sculpture, video, acrylic, oil, etc. and find my own interpretation and to engage with others about our various opinions. The gymnastics that is so missing from my job which I go back in a few days.

Yuck.

Can't I just go running once more?

Sex In My City

2006-01-14T01:50:00.000-08:00

Housekeeping Note: I think I should change the title. I was trying to do a play on words of the James Joyce Book, "Tales of An Artist As A Young Man". I think I didn't get the title right with my first series of this journal. Oh well.

Anyways, off to my rant of the day.

Libraries are great things. Where else can you test drive books, magazines, DVDs, CDs and videos before even buying them. Being a bibiliophile like myself, I will borrow and attempt to read lots and lots and lots of books. Sometimes that results in me forgetting when they are due and spending some change on overdue fines.

One thing I just borrowed from the library recently is the second series of "Sex and the City". If I can recall correctly, I think I have seen almost every episode thus far of "Sex and the City" except season six, the final season. It would be nice to get the complete DVD set that costs about 300 bucks for twenty something DVDs. I read in a review that one must be a fan to splurge that much for something like that. Believe me, I am a fan. I've had one person I know that said that the series was insipid. She was the same person who told me to stop being a fag hag. Like being gay, you can't turn off being a fag hag. Therefore, we are no longer friends.

It was great seeing Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda and their adventures of life and men, unedited. The last few months, my "Sex and the City" fix has come from showings on TBS and KRON 4 which have been nicely edited not only by censors to take out bad words, overly graphic sex scenes and in one episode, anything relating to drugs (it was the ending scene of an episode where Carrie and Samantha were sharing a choice bag of weed while Miranda was busting out the beer). Of course, we want to keep mainstream television and the cable channels that most homes would have as part of the basic package like TBS as squeaky clean as we can not to mention have some air time for the commercials thought up cleverly by Madison Avenue executives, the same commercials that TiVo and in-demand cable has been filtering out.

On the subject of censors and an experience I had this week with a guy, why we as Americans are so prudish about sex. I mean, here we are, censoring everything sexual left and right. In our public schools, the only sexual education that is taught, if any, focuses on abstience. NO SEX. People would figure that if you don't talk about sex, people won't do it. Teens wouldn't engage in it. Funny how some surveys have found out that most abstience only programs fail and there is a really high teenage pregancy rate for those who come from families that stress abstinece. Some people don't get that if you don't talk about sex or if it is taboo, people would go around and experiment then get in trouble.

I just wish people were honest about sex and talking about it and not be so prudish and shameful. I mean, we talk about eating and drinking and peeing and taking a shit in the toilet, basic biological functions. Sex is a biological function. Sex is a means to reproduce, to perpetuate the species. I mean, if we censor who Samantha has her latest blow with, how come on Animal Planet and the Discovery Channel we see animals, mammals even (because we as humans are mammals) go all out fucking? Isn't that considered animal porn? Quick honey, the bars across the genitals!

Seriously, if people talked about sex honestly and frankly, maybe there wouldn't be a need for abortions. Then if there were no abortions, there would be no need for crazy right winged zealots acting like jihad terrorists and bombing clinics and shooting abortion providers and harassing clinic staff. I mean, most of the people going into Planned Parenthood and these other clincs are just picking up birth control pills and getting pap semars for god sakes. At least congratuate them for taking care of their health.

Honestly, maybe if some of the folks my family knows would have talked to their sons and daugthers honestly and candidly about sex, they wouldn't have the fact that they have become lolos and lolas too soon. I'm referring to several family friends who ended up having an unplanned pregnancy by a single parent. I just wished they would have been honest about sex. Not to hide it around the bush so to speak.

Seriously, the folks that don't want abortion are the same ones who don't want birth control accessable and to keep sex some mysterious thing and leave it up to peoples' imagination and curiosity that would end up in an unplanned pregnancy or worse yet, a sexually transmitted disease.

Former President Bill Clinton during his term vowed to make abortion "safe, legal, and rare." By that last word, he meant have access to birth control and there would be no need for an abortion.

My pro-choice rant for the day.

Oh, by the way, saving up to get a t-shirt that says, "This is what a pro-choice Catholic looks like." Figured that would put a few more grey hairs on Ma's head. Heheheh.